Hi,
I am really struggling to cope with my boyfriend's illness so I am here to try to find people who understand what I am going through. My family and rinds try their best and are very supportive but I feel like no one truly understands.
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. In August last year he was diagnosed with cancer - it is stage 4 and he has a tumor on his liver which they say can't be removed. He was given eight years to live. People seemed to think I should be happy about this - I was devastated. We had been together a matter of weeks when he was diagnosed - once he found out, he told me to leave him, but I (and this sounds stupid) had basically been in love with him from the moment we met, and was adamant I would not leave. Several of my friends told me time and again that I should leave him but I didn't want to. I still don't. From September to December he underwent chemotherapy - I'd never seen anyone go through cancer treatment before and it was extremely distressing - by October I was pushing him around in a wheelchair. He can walk around and stuff now which is great, but he gets extremely tired. He has recently been told that he has to have another 9 months of chemo, so I am trying to prepare myself for going through it all again.
I sound extremely selfish, whining about the effect it has on me, and I apologize for that. I just feel like I am not coping very well, and that I'm on the edge of some sort of nervous breakdown. I have a stressful job too and I just feel like it is all too much - I nearly handed my notice in last week. We are very much in love, but he is angry with me sometimes and sometimes I feel like I just annoy him and say/do the wrong thing. He also sometimes pushes me away, for example from a hug, because he is in pain. I just feel so angry because I want so much for him to be better and for us to have a normal relationship, but we both know that won't happen. I look at other young couples and it breaks my heart that things aren't like that for us. We have talked about getting married - I love him so much and would love to marry him - but I am terrified at the thought of being a widow in my early thirties. I am so scared that he will die and I have no idea how I would cope - I can barely cope with his illness let alone his death. Every day I feel worried and terrified and I don't know how to cope with it. I have had counselling but nothing seems to be working. I just want to be a good girlfriend and be able to support him without running myself into the ground - the last thing I want is for him to be worrying about me.
Katie
