Hi Sue

Elkay is right, you could call our nurses on freephone: 0808 800 4040. They are there from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm. You could talk about your concerns with them. Alternatively, you can post them a message in the Ask The Nurses section.

Best wishes

Jane

hi my name is Lynne I wonder if anyone can help me. My Mum was diagnoised with Lung Cancer 2 years ago and now it has spread to her bones and brain. I know the prognosis is not good and Im finding it hard to deal with. I collapsed in Oct 2011 which has meant my driving licence being taken away for a period of 12 months. My Mum only lives 30 mins away but here in Cornwall the public transport does not go there. I am considering selling up to be nearer her and help my Dad . This would mean moving my 14 year old so its got to be the right decision. My work have not been that supportive infact they are not helping at all. Hence as well I am considering giving up my job too. My Mum and I never had a good relationship but I always thought shed always be there if you know what I mean. I am really struggling with the whole situiation. Does anyone know if there is any funding from anywhere that could help both my son and I.

Thanks for taking the time to read this any suggestions would be helpful.

Welcome Lynne

I can't help with any practical advice because I am in New Zealand and don't know your British welfare/support system.  But I do want to tell you I think you are great to want to help and support your Mum despite your past differences.  The job of supporter/carer can be frightening and overwhelming and infinitely upsetting.  Try to remember that, like it or not, we are all going to die one day.  Cancer, especially cancer that has spread to such scary places, brings that fact into much sharper focus.  We all think that we will die quietly and happily in our beds at some ancient age, all our dreams fulfilled, no months or years of pain or distress, just drifting peacefully off.  You were always going to lose your mum one day, that's a horrible fact of life, the day we are born we are on the path to the end.  But being a good person along the way counts for heaps and even though you are struggling, it's really great that want to reach out to your parents and help them, whilst also doing the very best for your son too.  People on this site have mentioned the McMillan nurses - perhaps you could ask them for suggestions.  Or ask the nurses on this site - on the right side of the screen - if they can't help, they may be able to point you in the right direction.  All the very best for the tough journey that lies ahead Lynne.

Hi Lynne,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation, with some very hard choices to make.

There is a section on our information site Cancer Help about where you might be able to obtain finanicial assistance. (I can't comment on whether you would qualify for anything, but it might be worth getting in touch with some of the organisations listed to get their view).

Best wishes to you and your family,

Renata

Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Lynne,

I don't know Cornwall well enough to be very practical. The Macmillan Nurses in your area would be a great source of advice, they recognise the importance of carers. The cancer centre my wife goes to here in Brighton is flooded with leaflets about every aspect of cancer care, financial, social, medical, complementary medical, pedicure, manicure, make-up and ....travel. Most of these leaflets just give a general waffle and a phone number (sorry, rather cynical opinion, maybe people find they really help). The phone numbers are the useful bit and always worth a try.

You are wondering about what you should do. I have some big issues about this. Our son hopes to move to San Diego soon if he and his partner get jobs that they've applied for. My wife won't be able to travel that kind of distance for a long time, if ever. She may well die before she ever get's to see him again. Obviously she (understatement) doesn't want him to go. (Neither do I but we carers get into the habit of putting ourselves second). Pretty obviously she would never try to stop him. I wonder if I should?..... In the end he has a whole life ahead of him and Janet has ......nobody knows.

Your son, at 14, is going to have to face GCSE's, probably A levels or other FE courses, maybe Uni or other college. He's in a period when his whole future will be decided by whether and how he copes with stuff at school or college.

Your Mum's future is going to be decided by the way these pesky little cells inside her choose to behave. Sorry, brutal fact, by age alone let alone the little beast, your Mum has less future than your son.

Of course you're torn between the generations. You'll do, in the end, what seems right to you, but as a partner of a person with cancer who has children I tell you that it's right to put yourself and the next generation first. That's what I tell my son and stepsons. That's what my wife tells my son and stepsons. Maybe even your parents say the same. If so they mean it. We mean it.

I only slipped that "yourself" in but it's really important. You have needs, rights, wants too. Look after yourself Lynne.

I've been through my mother and mother-in-law's cancer, the cancers of several friends, and am now seeing my wife's. All of the people I've watched die have had loads of friends and family members who said "anything you need, any time, night or day, 24/7, I'm there for you ...you know that?"

Janet and I have said, "We'll do what we can, when we can, always feel free to ask, never feel we've let you down if we have to say no.". We've always said stuff like "We're just off to the supermarket, is there anything you need while we're there?" or "We have a couple of hours free do you want us to come round for coffee?".

I suspect you won't have to guess who, in the end, had more contactwith our dying friends. "Anything, anytime,night or day, 24/7" is a lovely expression of intent. "I'll be there when I can, how about every Friday afternoon for the next month" is a genuine offer of support.

So maybe you can work out how much, how often, in your own your son's lives you can realistically offer and deliver it. Honestly that's better for everybody than giving up your lives (imagine the guilt your Mum would feel) to.....what? You can offer some comfort sometimes but (Janet's fast asleep right now. I'm here for her but she has no idea that I am.) a lot of the time you'd be wasting your lives hanging around for somebody who doesn't need you that mjch and may not even know you're there.

Of course do what you feel is right, I'm nobody to give advice let alomne instructions. I've been a bit too prescriptive in what I've said but can't be bothered to revise it. You are not a bad person if you put yourself and your son first.

Good luck

Russ

Hi I'm lillanna

I live in Somerset &  I love to do DIY, having manicures & beauty treatments, eating out.

Sadly I'm now a widow.

Ive left a message for you Nessie x 

Hi all

My dad was diagnosed with Melanoma 2 years ago and had a mole removed along with a big chunk of tissue. 3 monthly check ups all came back ok. Then, 6 weeks ago, he got up to get ready for work and collapsed in the bathroom. We though it was a stroke as his left side had given way and his speech was slurred. A CT scan in the hospital confirmed something very difference, he had around 20 legions on his brain.

He came home a week later and with assisted help we managed to get him up and down the stairs to use the toilet and get to bed. The plan was to treat the cancer with WBRT and also take a bio to see if any other drugs may help, but the overriding news was not good, there was no cure

Whilst waiting for the treatment, he started to rapidly deteriorate and they decided that treatment was o longer an option as he was not well enough. In the 6 weeks since diagnosis, his decline has been dramatic and he is now as I type in a state of coma for 23+ hours per day, cannot talk and just is not the dad I grew up with and love so much. Yes I still love him, more than ever but I just wish I could have him back to the man he was.

We have been told by Macmillan nurses today that he has short days left at best. I'm not ready for him to go, I never will be but I also know that he does not deserve to suffer. He is a great man and I am so proud to be his son. I want his suffering to be over but this *** of a disease has taken him far to quickly, I hate it with a passion!

Sorry I am not introducing myself in different circumstances

Steve

Hello Steve....

So sorry to hear your news about your dad.

You say you hate this disease with a passion, you're not alone there, thats for sure.

Im really sorry that you had yours have to go through this, but you've hit on a brillaint site as I always say. Someone will come along who has been through the same as you. I hope you find comfort in it as I have. Come back and let us know how things go for him, one thing I know for sure from your post. You sound like a fantastic son, one who any dad would be very proud of, as Im sure your dad is of you,

A big fat cyber hug to you and yours,

With love

Marian x

Hi Steve,

I'm so sorry that your Dad is so ill. As Marian has said, you're not alone.

I hope that, in some small way, being part of this community helps you.

Best wishes to you and your family at this terribly difficult time in your lives,

Renata

Cancer Chat Moderator