Hi... I am Dru.... I am 62  years old and I am new here. 

I was diagnosed with grade 2 ccrcc in 2022. I had a partial nephrectomy with clear margins at hospital and was told that I had a very low risk of it returning. 

They found a tiny lung nodule at my initial diagnosis and weren't worried. In 2023 and 2024 I had follow up ct scans which said no signs of relapse or recurrence. In 2025 the letter said I would usually move on to 2 years between scans, but that the thoracic team wanted to keep an eye on the nodule. I was told this was routine and not to worry, everything was stable. I wish I had questioned that more at the time... but I didn't think I needed to. 

In April this year I had my usual ct scan and waited nervously for the letter to arrive. It didn't. I have had numerous phone calls from so many people... I have been to four different hospitals... I also had visits to a separate diagnostic center.... I have had mri, pet-ct scan, ultrasound, cystoscopy and mri with contrast.... all of this while navigating eupd and agoraphobia with extreme social anxiety. 

The lung nodule is suddenly 11mm.... I know this is small and slow growing, but it's a shock as I spent all this time thinking it was stable. The pet-ct scan has found tissue in my right eye orbit that is also suspicious for ccrcc recurrence. I have had an mri with contrast and have been waiting since 24th August for the results. 

I have met with the surgeon and had a pre-op assessment for removal of the lung nodule. It's going to be a much bigger operation than usual for ccrcc in the lung. They have no idea if it's ccrcc, lung cancer or even benign so the surgeon wants to play safe and take quite a lot of segments. The nodule is deeper seated than usual and impossible to biopsy.

I am now facing major surgery again. I was happy to do this for what should hopefully have been curative.... except for the eye orbit now complicating things. I am praying for it to be some benign, harmless bone restructuring.... but I have a very bad feeling. 

The surgery is going to be complicated by the fact that I have stage 3a ckd since the partial nephrectomy and can't have nsaids.... I also had a cholecystectomy and have developed SOD which means all opioids cause me agonising spasms that last ages and hurt more than surgery! The anesthetist says the surgery can't be done without opioids. It's going to be a fun ride for the first few weeks!!!

So, that's why I am here. 

I am waiting for the mri results.... but I keep putting my phone on silent because I don't want to answer the call and be told that I have stage 4 ccrcc.....

Yes, I am apparently a coward.... it's not going to change the news if I don't answer the phone. And I am shaking and feeling nauseous 24/7.... I can't eat, sleep or think about anything except dying.

I apologise for the length of the post.... and thank you to anyone who took the time to read it. I have no friends due to my agoraphobia. My family don't really seem overly worried. I haven't seen them for so long... not even a visit when I had cancer or 3 major surgeries over the last 4 years. My grandchildren don't get in touch except for my granddaughter who I adore. She is expecting her first child in a few months and I haven't told her anything yet as she has been poorly. I know I have to tell her before my surgery. I am going to break her heart and feel so guilty. 

I have a wonderful man in my life who I met via a mental health site 7 years ago. He has nursed me through a massive hysterectomy that got complicated,  a cancer diagnosis and surgery and a cholecystectomy so far. But he has very extreme anxiety and his agoraphobia has gone from mild to severe. I know this is my fault and I think he will reach breaking point soon. 

So, I feel scared and pretty much alone apart from a partner that I am hurting....

I don't know how to handle any of it anymore....