Found out a month a go that I had colon cancer following a FIT test and colonoscopy. I went along for the colonoscopy fully expecting nothing to be wrong only to be told I had a 6cm tumour. I can honestly say that my mind never had a moments peace from that point on. Even though I tried to keep myself busy, cancer and operations were never out of my mind. I developed an anxious cough the day after the diagnosis and that has only just stopped. I struggled to sleep and so went to bed later each night but woke at 4am on the dot, with cancer as my first thought, no matter what time I went to sleep.
There followed a range of tests, the results of which seemed to suggest that the cancer had spread, which then led to further tests. These thank goodness proved that it hadn't spread to liver or lungs. My surgery was scheduled quickly (which I'm grateful for because by this point my anxiety was at epic levels).
Having convinced myself that I was going to die on the table I did the usual things - wrote a will, spoke to solicitors, left lists telling my family how to use the oven etc, some really crazy stuff.
I had my op a week ago today and writing this I'm sitting at home in a place I was convinced I would never see again. Whilst in hospital I realised that I was far from the only person who had had these exact same feelings of anxiety and especially the crippling impossibility of getting the situation out of your mind for longer than a few minutes. I just wish I had known this when I was experiencing it!
Now I just have the wait for pathology of the tumour and the possibility of further treatment. Then I can deal with the heart murmur they found in the hospital - it never ends.
