I can't really talk to anyone. Words are really just meaningless at the moment. No one else can really understand. My poor mum who is only 67 has fought colon cancer since last July. Needed to have a stoma bag and fought all the way through like a trouper. Told in December cancer free after chemo and surgery. The next big thing was having the stoma reversed.

Then the tiredness set in. The bad temper, the moodiness. People noticed it. But we put it down to her finally resting and healing after a tough year. Gradually her whole temperatment changed. She went to the doctors who prescribed an antihistamine sleeping tablets as she was awake drluring the night. This soon progressed to being in bed all day. Myself and her husband thought she was having a bit of a mental break down. Blood from the doctor came back fine, prescribed b12 for fatigue.

She became more and more confused. Another app was needed at the doctors but before this we took her to a&e as she was sluring her speech and talking but not getting her words out properly. Turns out two cancers on her brain.

We had told the doctors at the surgery about her constant headaches her change in personality but she was told to lose weigh, stop drinking and take b12.

I'm angry. Angry that she beat the first cancer and told she was cancer free and to celebrate by her colon rectal nurse.

Angry that 2 doctors missed it. The doctor in a&e knew straight away what it was. I'm Angry that I just thought she was having a depression or nervous breakdown. Angry that I didn't get her help sooner.

I've said some stuff about my mum that was awful in the last couple of months. The fact that she was better and should be spending time with her grandkids (she was living her life) thank God. She had a good summer at least in her caravan. But now do I have to see just a awful decline in my mum and cope with all of that? We have never been the closet. Probably since having my own kids we have been more close. But I'm more sorry for her husband that doesn't know what to do without her.

There's no point talking to anyone else. It's just the obligatory oh how awful for you all I'm sorry ***. It just feels such a burden like a heaviness that I have to wade through and cope as well as look after my own family and step dad. To put a smile on at school pick up. To talk about the weather.

Writing it down does kind of help. I haven't cried but reading that back I am crying. Crying for myself and step dad. Crying about how we will cope. Kind of not crying for my mum as she isnt even all there.  I can't explain how selfish I feel. Thought about praying...but for what?