Hi i have basal cell adenocarcinoma of the paritoid gland cancer stage 4a

I had 6wks intensive radiotherapy last year, it got rid of some of the cancer cells but not all, 

The tumer is to big to operate on and it's wrapped tight around my facial nerve,  

Its not going to go away and it's very likely to spread, 

I don't know how to feel, we spoke with a palitive care Dr last week,  

He reasured me i won't be in pain or discomfort when the time comes,

I haven't really been given a time but probably less than 3 years, they don't know. 

I have to have a scan every 6 month to check it's not spread,  or notify them if I feel changes in anyway, 

I'm scared of dying, im scared every time I get a pain, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything,  

I have severe osteoarthritis and need a hip replacement,  but im over weight so I can't at the moment,  I don't even know if I want to go through an op,

Its been such a hard few years. 

We cared for both my parents that had dementia for about 2 years I cooked all their meals until mum went in a care home dad had carers, I had a cardiac arrest in May 23 at home I was so lucky my husband was in the room. I ended up in icu for 3 wks and had a defibrillator fitted, all because heart was irregular,  

Then diagnosed in Oct 23 with cancer. Then Nov 24 dad passed the house had to be cleared and sold to now pay for my mums care,  then brother died April this year.

I have my husband and 2 grown up children,  my husband won't talk about it and I don't want to burden my kids. 

I feel lonely I don't have my mum to talk to. My friends have their lives. 

I'm just scared it's been so much to cope with these last few years I feel so sad, angry and alone