Hello Laurie,

                    after reading your post l can well understand your feelings,its so hard to take the loss of your loved one,and it becomes only natural to seek  someone/thing to blame.

As someone who was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer l have to tell you that l too had a clear stool sample test some 3 months before l was diagnosed.l had absolutely no symptoms healthwise, no pains, no weightloss, no loss of appetite, no loss of energy, no change in toilet routine,nothing whatsoever to suggest a problem.

My good fortune if you can call it that ,was to have had a neighbout who had suffered bowel cancer a year earlier and l had witnessed what he had gone through, and in ensueing conversations had discovered how his had played out and was spotted.It heightened my awareness to the point where l checked my stools after each evacuation.

Sure enough the day arrived where l observed black dots throughout my stool, no bloody discolouration of the water in the bowl, just black dots like raisins in a steamed pudding. l knew straightaway this was stale blood forming into my stool from a way back up inside my colon.

A phone conversation with my doctor saw me whisked in for a colonoscopy within a week on Christmas eve, with biopsy result confirming tumour was cancerous on New Years Eve.

You are correct when you say these tests are a lottery, but so is life, and that is to accept that nothing is unfallible.These tests are an aid in detecting cancer and as such will only ever capture an extra percentage of sufferers not all, for those it has helped and saved they are wonderful, for those missed not so.

Its not the test that you should direct your anger at,its the the cancer tumour that bleeds intermittantly that went benign on the day of testing.The cancers that show little outward sign while it works quietly away establishing itself within.

Your reaction to look fo blame is an attempt to make sense of a situation where sense plays no part, just as my struggles with survivor guilt will never have a definitive answer, WHY ME is the go to for everyone with a cancer diagnosis, but it also applies to those fortunate enough to emerge intact as one from a group of patients undergoing treatment.

l am sorry for your pain and recognise the pain you will have to go through in your attempts to bring stability into the turmoil you currently suffer, Can l point you towards your nearest MAGGIES centre,they are just not for patients, but for all sufferers, because they are only too aware that you do not have to have this insidious invader to suffer its effects.They helped me through my very darkest days as the cancer spread out through my body from the colon, l can honestly say that they played a crucial part in reducing my stress,which in turn played a huge part in my escape.My Maggies centre was an oasis of calm,understanding,gentle unthrusting support amongst others all trying to come to terms with something so lifechanging and difficult.

Try to find your way of walking forward gently with your life,it can come in the most unusual ways and places as l have found out, opening your eyes and mind will be difficult  but never impossible.They say time is a healer, some things never heal, but they can be accepted over time with patience and help from others.

l hope in time this will come topass for you and that you are able to make this journey a little less painful than it otherwise could be,

take good care of yourself,

David