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Avoidance and guilt

WDB
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Hi there, i am here because my mum ages 74 has stage 4 T colon cancer and was given weeks to live back in April 2024, however, she is still here with us 35 weeks after! She is the strongest person i know !  I live 2 hours away from mum, but my sister only lives 20 mins from her. Mum lives with her supportive husband who is her full time carer (i have total respect for him!)  The thing i am confused about is, although it is great that mum is still with us, the longer time goes on, the less time i seem to spend with her, as i seem to try avoid doing so, which then i obviously feel guilty about because i should be making the most of mum whilst i still have her, just like my sister is, my sister sees her daily and often organises things in the week when i am not there and at work, but then i find myself feeling jealous of the time she is spending with mum but yet i often avoid doing so anyway !!!??? i am constantly conflicted with these horrible feelings but in the grand scheme of things i feel guilty for all the thoughts, actions & feelings which i have. I know that I will only have one mum and I am sure i will regret not spending more time with her when she has gone :( but yet i still continue to do all of the above!! its hard to explain but, when i am there with her, i want to be back home, but when i am home, i want to be with her and feel guilty that i avoid it a lot of the time which is seo selfish!                I am not even sure if this will make sense to anyone else, if not then i apologies for the rant

 W xx

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    I have only lost one close family member and I froze. I didn't cope with seeing her deteriorate. She spent months in hospital and I stopped visiting her. I'll never get that time back. Almost 30 years later it still hurts. I think it's normal to be avoidant but it's worth wrestling with. She is your only mum.

    I live with my partner who has stage 4 cancer and I'm so bogged down with life I do nothing to make this time especially significant but we still enjoy bringing up our kids together. I think the thing is when you get a prognosis like this people grieve a bit before you're dead and loads of people avoid us or don't quite believe it. It's normal.

    Do your best to focus on the moment. Do things you always enjoyed doing together and don't force it. You don't have to compete with your sister. I think it's all just a distraction because the pain is already there. I carry mine all the time and we end up bickering because of it at times. I don't think most of us are cut out to make hallmark movies of our lives and emotions for cancer but give yourself a break and just love your mum. You don't have to prove anything x

    And I'm sorry, cancer sucks. My dad's 78 and I dread losing him or being told he's ill. Mum's soon 70 and I never quite trust her cancer to be gone. Good luck. 

  • Offline in reply to Lyns21

    Lynn, firstly, i would like to thank you for your kind words and i want to say how sorry i am for what this horrible disease is throwing your way, my heart goes out to you and your family, Secondly, thank you for taking the time to write a response and share your lived experience, past and present, it can't be easy for you, and thirdly, you are absolutely right, i do not have to compete with my sister because everyone handles this situation differently and we never know how we are going to handle it until it is thrown our way, although, i do feel that my mum feels i don't care as much as my sister because i a not there daily like she is, this worries me, however, i face time her every day and send her gentle reminders with little meaningful gifts expressing how brave i feel she is and how loved she is, i still know in my heart this is not enough, however, i feel it is my way of doing what i can for her whilst i am unable to be there in person.  I know i am going to have to force this avoidance away and visit mum more, i know things are going to get a hell of a lot worse, yet, as you say, she is my only mum and although, when i am with her, i try to live in the present, its that impending doom that is constantly a daily presence and its even worse when i am with her, but i am aware that this isn't about me, it is about mum, and i am going to have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it better and make the time she has left memorable ones for us both.  I am sending my thoughts and a virtual hug to you and your family at this very difficult time Lynn, all the best x

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