Hi Mountain

I am so sorry for what you have been through.  When my Mum was in hospital after being diagnosed with secondary breast cancer, which had spread to liver, lungs and bones, the doctors prescribed morphine for the pain in her bones, overnight she turned from the most kind and placid person to being paranoid and abusive to both me and my elderly father, she was ringing my dad at all hours accusing him of all sorts of stuff, it broke his heart.  This went on for a couple of days and I really thought that all of my happy memories of mum were going to be wiped away by this person that I didnt know anymore.  Luckily mum was still in hospital and got very argumentative with one of the doctors and he realised that she was hallucinating due to the morphine, they changed her onto a different painkiller and within a day, she was back to her normal personality again.

I have heard of people withdrawing from their loved ones slightly before they die, almost in preparation for having to leave them, or even pushing them away slightly, trying to protect them.  But usually to turn against you so drastically I would think that is more likely to either be medication that they were on or possibly to do to spread to the brain if that was the case.

I struggled when she passed away because of the pain that she was in and how helpless I felt.  But each time my mind went to those images of her last couple of days, I would force myself to think of a happy memory of her.  It takes a long time, but bit by bit the bad memories become less.

Words cannot take away the pain that you are feeling, but you are in my thoughts and my prayers that you will find peace in your memories.

Best wishes

Annie

Hi Annie

Thank you for your reply which puts things in a little perspective for me.

Hubby was on morphine for bone pain too.

The hospice where he passed were truly wonderful and thankfully they had met my beautiful man few weeks before and they knew this wasn’t that man.

The hospice got a little bit of this husband/dad back but not the real one.

i will never forget some of the last things he said to me, I  pray someday I can erase it from my mind or at least file it away.

i was his number one all through our life together just wish I could have been that at the end.

I Pray i see him again someday and we can chat and he will understand as will I.

I do however believe poorly poorly souls may well push the most loved ones away, but guess I will never know.

its tough enough losing the love of your life but this is torture as it reeks around in your mind. 

Bless you and thank you from my heart for this xx

You are bound to be struggling, the grief is still so raw, let alone the way the end came around.

I truly believe that our loved ones are still with us, quite often I speak to my mum and my sister in my head (my sister died 15 years ago and mum 18 months ago, both from cancer), I gain comfort from the thought that my mum is now reunited with my sister and I along with my dad, will be with them again when our time comes.

Do you have a special place where you and your hubby used to visit?  Maybe go there and say whatever you wish you could have said to him before the end.  I am sure that he will be with you in spirit and he would not want you to be remembering him this way.

Always here if you need a chat

Annie

xx