Hi Spirit,

A very warm welcome to pour forum.

Any cancer journey is a challenge and the way you are feeling is par for the course. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 14 years and have had a lumpectomy, followed by a double mastectomy the following year. My own breasts were my pride and joy and I missed them so badly at first. I also felt embarrassed about my appearance, as I couldn't have reconstruction, due to previous, non-cancer related surgery. I felt very depressed, physically, mentally and emotionally scarred and so very alone. 

I expect that you feel even worse, as your scar is on show all of the time? Your scars may take time, but they will gradually fade .I had lost my Mum to secondary breast cancer , which had spread to her brain, bone, liver and lungs, before I was diagnosed, so I was terrified that I would go the same way. I felt totally washed out and slept at every opportunity. I eventually decided that I could either give in to it or take matters in to my own hands It took about 2 years after my surgery, before I was able to see if exercise would help my exhaustion.

I started swimming again and I had some very embarrassing moments, trying out different prostheses. Some of these were so heavy that they ended up around my waist, others floated and blew my costume up around my neck, whilst I had to try and surreptitiously squeeze copious amounts of water out of other breast forms as I got out of the pool. If I didn't do this, I left a large trail of water from the pool, back to my seat and people around me could hear me dripping all of the way back.

I had a number of other surgeries since and I decided that I had to take responsibility for myself again. I decided to be proud of what I had gone through and to think of what I have left as battle scars. A 10 hour op is a big thing to go through and it does take time to recuperate. We all expect to bounce back, but it doesn't happen like that. It is an onerous and slow, but challenging process, but you will get there. 

I am glad to see that you  are due to see your consultant next week and I hope that s/he can give you some good news. Have you considered visiting some of the cancer charity centres, or moving on classes? It can be helpful; to talk to others who are going through this journey too. Some of these centres offer relaxing alternative therapies, seated yoga, help with financial benefits, counselling and of course, the welcome cuppa and chat.

I do hope that you manage to feel better soon, but we're always here for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx