Hi I'm so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is one of the hardest heartbreaks you face in life I think. Do not feel guilty, we all make decisions right or wrong when faced with situations where we have to make hard decisions when dealing with our loved ones while they are going through there last days, this is never easy to know whether or not it's the right decision. Your mum no doubt would have been in a lot of pain during this time and due to this probably would have acted and said things she would never have normally done. The pain and what she was going through would have caused her to behave this way. She would not of meant to hurt any of you, please always remember this. Grief does tend to make us focus on the bad stuff! Be kind to yourself and try to remember and focus on all your happier memories with your mum as you must have way more of those! You say counselling isn't for you, have you tried it? Until you talk all these feelings and thoughts out of your system you will never move on from this terrible loss. It may be worth a go, what have you got to lose? If you try and it's not for you, don't go to anymore! Be brave you have to clear your system trust me. This does get easier over the years, it doesn't go away but it's not always going to be so raw! It is only a year for you this is very early days, probably the hardest, all the firsts without mum. I really do get this. I lost my mum at 21 she fought hard and lost her battle to breast cancer and because I wasn't living near I did not get to say goodbye and was devastated and had huge guilt for a longtime over this. All of this does get better, my mum has been gone for 29 years now and I still miss her dreadfully especially at the moment going through my own battle with breast cancer, hopefully a good outcome soon for me! I would have loved to have my mums support but unfortunately I am travelling this without her. Be kind to yourself life is very unfair at times putting us through these terrible heartbreaking times but your mum would not have wanted you to spend the rest of your years unhappy, do whatever it takes to move on from this loss you can remember your mum with fond memories which may take time but don't dwell on sad bits and things you can't change. Sending huge love and hugs to you and hope for better times ahead for you and your family xxxx