Hello Jonny, I felt that I had to reply to you because your story is so similar to me and my husband.  I have been diagnosed with breast cancer twice, and at one point I thought that I had beaten this disease, but recently I was told that it has spread and I am at stage 4.  I went through very similar emotions to what you describe your wife going through.  I hated my husband to see my body because after the operation to remove the first tumour (3 years ago), I felt so unattractive with the big scar that it left behind.  But the problems went much deeper than that.  My husband is also very seriously ill, and he has PTSD too (he is ex Special Forces) and at one point we we were constantly screaming and shouting at each other.  Then we would both end up crying and apologising to each other..........it has been a real roller-coaster.  However, this pasy year or so, things have really settled down between us and we are now back on an even keel.  We have both accepted that we probably don't have much longer left together and we decided that in spite of everything, we wanted to spend whatever time we have left with each other.  Jonny, I honestly don't know what advice to give you, because a crisis can either bring a couple closer together or it can rip them apart.  I have told you my personal story in the hope that it might give you something positive to hold on to..........I guess what I am saying is that just like me and my husband, things might come back together again for you and your wife.........I truly so hope so, good luck mate, Violet, x

Hi Violet

Really appreciate you're reply. So thanks for sharing your story with me. She's had her reconstruction cancelled and then rescheduled twice now so that isn't helping the situation. I guess I'm just going to have to get my head down and plough through it. I am worried about her though. 3 times is a little ominous and she said to me this week she's convinced it's going to come back as secondary this time. 
I didn't say anything.

Anyway I truly hope you and your fella have some special moments together  and find some happiness with one another.

thanks

jonny 

We're approaching the end of our first, and hopefully last time going through BC. The wife has had extensive treatment as she had extensive localised stage 3, so she's been through the ringer.

I couldn't care what you read on the net, from moral crusaders and so on, a cancer diagnosis within the relationship changes things. We're coming out of this different people, and not in a good way, but not in a bad way too. Just different.

I've had to remove myself from the house countless times during all this otherwise I highly doubt we'd even have still been on speaking terms, never mind still as close as we currently are.

I think the both of you have been through a helluva lot, and i can understand why she's changed if it's anything even remotely similar to our situation but x3. The strain is immeasurable, so don't go beating yourself up, mate.

I can also relate to the spreading part. My mind goes there too because we initially got told the likelihood was higher than normal as it was aggressive. So that's a dark, dark place. I try to stick to the facts, and it works most of the time. Like she's had a complete response to the chemo, no cells were found in the post op pathology and so on. But my mind slips back into the murky world of the "what ifs" for a day here and there. Not pleasant.