I just needed to write this out as tonight i have found out that the immunotherapy that my best friend has been receiving hasn't worked. She sent me a text a week ago saying she had spent 5 days in hospital really poorly since her birthday. and that she'd ring me the following day to fill me in - she didn't. She hasn't even read the texts i've sent since then so I've spent the last 6 days worried she had already gone.
It's just so sad as (and i know i sound selfish here) that i am not getting the chance to say goodbye. She has suffered with drug addiction for over 20 years and i know she loves me but the friendship has been quite one sided. Since her diagnosis 18 months ago I've been to see her (she lives 100 miles from me now) and i've sent gifts/medical supplies etc as i can hardly ever get to speak to her so sending stuff in the post is the only thing i can do to help lift her spirits. I've just sent her a perfume she loves for her birthday and for some reason it is really upsetting me she won't get the chance to enjoy it.
She's been my best friend since 11 and she's just turned 47. We went through everything together - puberty, first crushes, relationships etc. We even worked together for several years. She knows the troubles i've had with my family - she IS family. However, she very much sticks her head in the sand and has never wanted to hear bad news or to know her prognosis which is her perogative but it's made it difficult for people around her. I can only think she has stopped contact because her life is now crashing down around her and as i'm one of the people that knows her best - it's too upsetting for her to talk to me.
I know she has regrets she didn't have children and is upset thinking her partner of over 20 years may move on and find someone else. I've tried to hard to track her down these past 5 days and finally got in touch with her partner's sister who told me the news as her partner did answer the phone to his mum and told her they've sent her home to die and she's very poorly with little time left. I know she is the one dying but i feel abandoned and want to be there for her but i can't. I've sent flowers tonight saying how much i love her.
It doesn't help that in the last 6 years i've basically realised pretty much my whole family is full of toxic dynamics. My father supported my abusive ex along with my stepmother and siblings i adored which was heartbreaking. 2 years ago I tried to support my mother through her cancer battle (she is now in the clear) but i couldn't cope with her behaviour which led to me having a breakdown which the rest of that side of the family punished me for. I ended up being the one apologising and my mother said her counsellor suggested i had BPD (i don't). 2 years of similar behaviour on a lesser scale - i asked for some time to myself to work through issues that were still affecting me and i was guilt tripped and shamed. Now my own brother won't have a relationship with me and i cannot see the nephew and niece i adore.
My stepfather who was basically bullied by my mother (we had to talk without her knowledge as she didn't seem to want us to have a relationship) he ended up in counselling when she had cancer because my mother didn't care about anyone's feelings but her own and my brothers. However - when i spoke up - he basically stood up for her and blamed everything on our mental health and that i had always been a problem child?! (not true - i was terrified most of the time!). I do struggle with quite severe mental health issues (caused in part due to my childhood) so although i have a lovely husband i just feel that my whole past is being wiped out. I just thought my friend would always be there and i guess i just feel adrift. I lost my supportive father in law to Covid not long ago and my lovely mother in law also has cancer.
Looking back over the relationships in my life i realise i've always been the "caretaker" and the one who gives and gives and gives with little in return. I cared for my Grandmother for several years until she died - i was the one holding her hand whilst her children bascially ran! I must have visited my mother and brother around 60 times since i moved 100 miles away and they've been to see me twice. My brother wouldn't even meet me when i was having a mental health crisis when he was holidaying a 45 minute drive away. I know it's not just me as my step sister divorced our family when she was 14 because it was so awful - she thought it was just when she visited bless her - she didn't realise it was like that most of the time! I was the one who brought her back into the family fold but now she too won't have anything to do with them too.
Somehow we are being made out to be the vindictive troublemakers for speaking out about what is basically bullying behaviour. So many manipulations and lies have been told - it just seems so unfair especially when i naively thought that speaking out would help the family be more supportive of each other and have healthier relationships! I feel so gulity about the kids. I made a promise i would always be there for my niece and nephew and never wanted them to go through any emotional upset like i had done and yet i cannot pretend everything is ok. I recently reached out to my brother to tell him our cousin had been tragically found dead. I tried to have a reasonable discussion about the situation and he ended the call, sent a passive aggressive message and blocked me! I can't be the only one trying all the time.
I guess this is almost like a mid life crisis?! Looking back over the past and trying to frantically hold onto it even through it's time to let go.
I really feel for anyone going through similar x
