I wish I knew where to start, my brain is so muddled. I'm 36 but never felt more like a scared little child watching my big, strong, protector... wither away to this small, frail, helpless body that once was able to hold me on its shoulders.
My father is 72, and for most of those years he was in decent health. Type 2 diabetes at 45 and Gall bladder removal 20 years ago and a small bout of sepsis but he bounced back. He worked hard right up to the day of his retirement at 65 and had great plans for what he and my mother would do with their time, cruises, a new puppy, weekends away, it's their time! They just had to overcome a minor operation for sciatica for my father and the world was their oyster. The operation happened, the problem didn't fix, the problem turned into severe, debilitating pain and left my father unable to walk without some sort of frame and for the next few years mum had to become a carer. As if things weren't bad enough...the diabetes caused liver disease and this quickly deteriorated. From October last year my father has spent 90% of the time in hospital and he was diagnosed with liver cancer in February with no treatment available and the only thing was to keep the symptoms at bay. Rocket drain fitted for the ascites, pain medication and now necrosis and infection for diabetic foot which has meant he has spent the last 8 weeks in a side room of a short stay Ward because they have nowhere else to put him. They can't do anything for him and I have to watch this man suffer in the slowest most cruel way ever. We can't get him home, there isn't the care staff to arrange such a specialist package for the 24 hour care he needs. There isn't any hospice beds. He just lays and sleeps, wakes up and gets so angry at me and mum. Says the most awful things, closes his eyes and 30 seconds later is dad again. We are on this vicious cycle for weeks now and told that he will not make it through the night and yet he is still with us. Angry, depressed, in pain, lifeless, no dignity left and I feel such guilt for wanting to tell him to let go. I have no clue what is going on.
I don't know how I am expected to live in a world without this man.
