Hello everyone - this is incredibly hard to write as I'm finding it very hard to deal with. My husband (48 at the time) was diagnosed with primary bowel and secondary liver cancer in July last year, and despite receiving treatment we have been told that there is nothing more they can do and he has weeks or at most months to live.
This news is devastating for both of us as I'm sure many of you will understand. He is in hospice care ar the moment, we're trying to get him well enough to come home for a bit. It's so cruel, he's still there in this stupid body which is failing his brilliant mind. I am spending as much time as can with him and trying to wind down work to be there constantly.
Hes very tired these days and I want to comfort him. He's getting more tired and sleeping more often and some days I want to say 'wake up, don't let go, stay here, stay present, don't you leave!' It's heartbreaking to watch my best friend, the person who has always been there go through this. I want to cling onto him and never let him go.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't cry in front on him, but that's easy to say and hard to do. I feel like I must cram in every second with him to make up for the years we always though we'd have together being torn away from us by cancer.
I'm scared. I'm scared he'll suddenly go when I'm not there. I'm scared I won't get to say goodbye. I'm scared I won't get to say all the things - and I'm scared that I don't even know what things to say, or I won't know until it's too late. I'm scared about life without him.
