The time we have left together

My mum was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary at the end of Feb. She had radition in hospital which didn't help and there is no cure. She has been in a hospice since then. She will hopefully be getting home on Friday for pallatative care. I'm 26 and I normally go visit her every day but I've been isolating this week so I've been phoning her. 

I've noticed a change in her recently. She doesn't have much to say on the phone, she often gets confused and what shes saying doesn't make snese. I normally tell her about my day instead but I haven't had much to tell because of isolation. I am finding it difficult seeing her illness change her and not having things to talk about. We know her illness is terminal but she didn't want to know her prognosis so I don't really know how much time we have left. 

I'm a teacher and will be finished work for summer in a few weeks and will probably spend a lot of time with her. How does everyone deal with the 'impending' feeling and make the most of the time they have left together?

  • Im sorry to hear about your mums diagnosis. My dad has a rare non curable cancer which his only life line was an attempt to shrink with chemo. He finished chemo in may having only been diagnosed in august. when going in for chemo he was alone due to covid and video calls were our only option. He'd be in for 5 days straight with 11 + hours of the stuff every 4 weeks. Every 4th week I can only describe as hell. We found it really hard for conversation too given we had only been to work and back during lockdowns and no one wants to here about your moans and groans about that! He was often kept in rooms on his own due to covid for his own protection or if they were keeping to same sex wards which meant we didn't get the stories of everyone else playing up on the wards! He got himself in abit of a depressive state towards the end of the chemo with lack of energy, not eating at all, medication and the loneliness. 

    since he has come out of hospital and now on palliative care I have tried to see him once during the week and on a weekend. I don't want to feel like I'm smothering him but I also don't want to feel like I'm abandoning him. I have come to realise I also need my own time too. And so do you! Don't put too much pressure in yourself. I don't live at home anymore, 27 and work 9-5 and find it difficult to juggle everything at the moment which I feel guilty thinking about. I find seeing him like this helps me process and manage the physical changes you see as opposed to weekly where I saw a big difference. I tell myself we have more to talk about this way too and gives us all that bit of space we need rather than in each other's faces. My mum and dad for instance both sit in separate rooms as they never agree on what to watch! When it's nearer the time I do plan to move back home but for now I don't want to make things not normal for him. My dad also went through a stage when he came out of hospital with confusion and not making sense I guess a lot of this is the reduction in drugs and probably them just coming to terms with things themselves.

    he has recently gone on a big spending spree.... some practical things...but majority of things which an attitude of 'oh well I want it' these have turned out the be the things we have had most fun on messing around with over the last few weeks. Maybe see if there is anything you can buy similar like old games, favourite books, puzzles etc. As a teacher I'm sure you have few things like this up your sleeve