Hi,my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just over 18months ago, she also has it in her lymph nodes and rib,she has had immunotherapy and radiation therapy,she seemed to pic up a little bit,but now she is in a lot of pain and lost loads of weight, last few days she has spent most of it in bed, she in 40 mg morphine twice a day plus the liquid when needed, the consultant said he is considering cemo but thinks the side effects would be too much, can anyone tell me if this could be the end or could she pic up again,im at a loss as to what to expect 

Hi Loo1512, I'm sorry to hear that. I can't really help on what could happen next. I know Jolamine will be able to help you more. From my experience with my mum once you are too weak for treatment it usually means that there isn't too much more they can do. I know everybody is different though. Try and savour every moment you can with your mum. All the time you can spend together is special. My thoughts are with you and your mum. X

Simon 

Hi Jolamime, how are you. Did you manage to see Archie, I hope he is managing ok and they are allowing him to do a little more. It must be really frustrating for you all. My thoughts are with you. I have noticed other people who have lost their mums and they all devastated. It's hard to know how it feels until you go through it. It feels like your whole world has been rocked, your mum is always there and then suddenly you are on your own. The loss is too big too even get my head round at the moment. I've been doing ok, just get sudden moments where it really hits me hard. I just try to get through them and see how the next day is, there's not a lot else you can do really. I hope Archie is doing ok Jolamine. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. I saw him yesterday. He was brighter in himself, but frustrated in that he has only seen the physio twice since he came out of hospital and she won't allow him to increase his steps yet. In fact, she seems more intent on teaching him how to use a wheelchair, which neither of us are too happy about. I intend to contact the manager of the home to see if he can get more intensive treatment. If not, we are thinking of sending a private physio in, as I feel that the longer he sits in his wheelchair, the more his muscles are wasting.

I think the truth is that you won't get your head around the enormity of losing your mum for a very long time yet. It sounds as if you are actually coping quite well. You are bound to be hit hard from time to time, but you are getting through the days, no matter how hard it is to do this. This really is as much as you can do just now.

Just continue to go from one day to the next.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm glad to hear Archie is a bit better In himself. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for him though. Especially if he feels like he can do more but the physio isn't restricting him. I can understand what you mean, definitely try and get them to do more if possible. As you said the longer he is in the wheelchair I guess it will be harder for him to start using his feet again. I hope you did manage to contact the manager and they are willing to give Archie more physio.

Yeah at the moment I just seem to be going from one day to the next. I don't feel like I'm struggling and then something sets me off. I know there are reminders everywhere though. It was my mums birthday on Monday which was tough. She was due for retirement at 66 and she was really looking forward to getting her pension. As you said it's just a case of getting through the days for now and at the moment I am managing to get by which is good. Thank you Jolamine, I hope Archie manages to get some more support and can continue his recovery. You take care.

Simon

Hi Simon,

I have had a chat with the manager of Archie's home and she is pushing for more physio for him, although there has been no sign of this yet. I feel the sooner we can get him moving the better his chances will be of walking again.

I can imagine that your mum' birthday was tough. All anniversaries are hard, but particularly in the first year after losing a loved one. You have done well to get through the day. What a great pity that she never quite made it to her retirement. I am glad to hear that you are getting by without struggling too much. You will naturally have times when something triggers and this will set you off for a while. Unfortunately, this is normal.

How is your dad getting on - has he accepted carers yet? I hope that he has, as this will be so much better for all of you.

Thinking of you.

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, ah that's good. Hopeful they can organise some more physio for him. As you said before you don't seem to get anywhere these days without asking. You have to push all the time when you want something done! I hope they do manage to sort it out and he can get back to trying to walk again. 

it was tough although I must admit I tried to not think about it where possible. I ended up being more upset the day after. That's probably because I was trying to control it and I know it will come out one way or another. Yes she was really looking forward to retiring. She was one of those unlucky ones where they moved the retirement age so she missed out. She was looking forward to at least getting a couple of payments for her pension but she never managed to make it. She tried her best though and I think she was amazing to do as well as she did. The cancer was in so many places at the end and she was so strong. She will always be my hero. You are right Jolamine, just writing that set me off, it does come out of the blue. You are fine one minute then the tears start again.

My dad is ok thanks. The carers have started now, he gets 3 visits a day. 30 minutes twice and then 20 minutes at night. At the moment they aren't really doing too much for him but I know there will come a point when they are needed so I'm glad they are there. It's more support for me as if something happens it isn't just relying on me. In the end when they had checked his savings he only has to put a tiny amount of money towards the care so he is happy and it does take a little stress of me. Thank you Jolamine. X

Simon
 

Hi Simon,

We have had another week when we couldn't get in to see Archie, but will get in early next week. It doesn't really matter how well we think we have planned for our futures, as we often find that things are taken out of our hands in the end. I was diagnosed just as I turned 60, but I had intended to retire at 50. When my hubby had to retire at 50 after he had a quadruple by-pass, pneumonia and then a stroke, and got no benefits, I had to become the wage earner, with the result that I am still working at 73.

I am sorry that writing aout how strong your mum was set you off tonight, but, as we said before, this is just how it happens - one minute you are fine and then you are in tears again.

I am glad to hear that your dad has accepted the carers this time. He will probably be happier now that he knows that they won't cost him too much and, this should take some pressure off you as well.

Take care.

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you do get to see him early next week. You are so right, you don't even think about these things. They just happen and you have to deal with them. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, that must not be easy for you both. It must be very difficult for you still working now but as you said if you have no choice then you have to do it. I wish you could have retired when you wanted to. I think you are an amazing person to still be working plus supporting your husband and still coming on here and helping others. That is very kind of you and is an example for us all!

No worries at all Jolamine, anything can set me off. You are absolutely fine and then something else triggers it. I think it's just about trying to get through it for now as everything is still so raw. Yeah I definitely think it will help me. It was always money and pride with him. He said he doesn't need them and he wouldn't pay so now it's been proven he can't cope and he doesn't have to pay much so he really has no excuse. I'm sure he could find one if he really wanted but for now it is better that they are coming. You take care Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

We have managed to book an appointment to see Archie tomorrow. So far, there has been no sign of the other physio and, he has only seen the one that he has been seeing twice since he was discharged from hospital.

Sorry for the delay in replying. Hubby now has Heart Failure, was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia at Christmas and with Parkinsons last week, so this site can belie a release at times. He wasn't well last week, so I couldn't get much done, but seems to be a bit better now.

I hope that you are doing ok.

Regards,

Jolamine xx

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, oh no I'm so sorry to hear that. I imagine it is very difficult for you. My thoughts are with you and your husband. I'm sorry that he isn't well. It sounds like you are having a really hard time. I can understand about the site being a release. We really do need to go somewhere and chat when things are getting on top of us. I imagine there is a lot of stress for you with everything going on. If theres ever anything I can help with just let me know. If you need to chat about anything I'm here. Don't worry at all about replying, you do it when you get chance. Life has to come first, you speak when you can, no worries at all. I'm doing ok thanks Jolamine, just taking it day by day.

I hope you managed to see Archie today and he was doing ok. With a bit of luck you can get him to see his regular physio again. It's so frustrating for you with all this Covid, it is really hard to get anything done. Again I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, my thoughts are with you both. I know it must be really difficult for you but I'm here to talk if you need me. X

Simon

HI Simon,

Thank you for your kind offer of help. Unfortunately, there's not much that anyone can do. I try to get on with things as normally as I can. I am currently trying to sell my business, as this would take away a lot of the strain. Unfortunately, with Covid, this is not the best time to sell.

Let's get on to some good news for a change. I got to see Archie yesterday. He has had 2 more Physio appointments. At the last one the Physio had him up walking and, gave him the go ahead to walk with the aid of 2 nurses. He did this for a few days, then decided to try it by himself and, believe it or not, he is now walking again - not very steadily and at quite an angle. I'm absolutely delighted to see this and he feels a great sense of achievement that he has done it.

I hope that all is well with you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

HI Simon,

Thank you for your kind offer of help. Unfortunately, there's not much that anyone can do. I try to get on with things as normally as I can. I am currently trying to sell my business, as this would take away a lot of the strain. Unfortunately, with Covid, this is not the best time to sell.

Let's get on to some good news for a change. I got to see Archie yesterday. He has had 2 more Physio appointments. At the last one the Physio had him up walking and, gave him the go ahead to walk with the aid of 2 nurses. He did this for a few days, then decided to try it by himself and, believe it or not, he is now walking again - not very steadily and at quite an angle. I'm absolutely delighted to see this and he feels a great sense of achievement that he has done it.

I hope that all is well with you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Jolamine, I know there's not a lot I can do but I'm always here if you need any support. It must be very difficult for you. Trying to sell a business at the moment must be a bit of a nightmare. There's so much going on with Covid and other things. I do wish you all the best and hope you can manage to do that at some point, especially if it will make it easy for you to cope. 
Ah that is good news, you said he was very strong and there he goes again proving it. It sounds like he is full of fight and the fact he is walking again on his own so quickly is great news. I'm sure you all feel a lot better knowing that he is getting back to his old self. It must be very satisfying for him and yourself. I am very pleased for you Jolamine, hopefully he continues with his physio and his waking continues to improve. It sounds like he's doing amazing to be walking so quicky after such a small amount of physio! I'm doing ok, thank you Jolamine. I hope you are managing to cope ok with everything, my thoughts are with you all. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am glad to hear that you are doing ok. As cliché as it sounds, your mum still lives on within you and your sister. Remembering the lifelong impact she's had on your lives, gives you something positive to focus on as you grieve. Unfortunately, you can’t bring her back, but she’ll never really leave you. I have always found this knowledge comforting and, it sounds as if you do too. I hope that you and your sister continue to talk about her with happier memories from time to time.

I'm delighted that Archie is back on his feet again, even though his balance is still very precarious - I just hope that he doesn't have another fall to set him back again. We have just had a letter from the home this afternoon informing us that they will allow up to 3 adults to visit residents in their bedrooms from next Monday. We will still have to book an appointment slot in advance and, will need to have a Covid test half an hour before visiting. We will also still have to continue wearing masks and  will only be allowed to visit once a week for up to half an hour, as they still want to limit the number of people in the home at any one time. However, this is much better than just allowing one person in, as they have been doing recently.

Regards,

Jolamine

Hi Jolamine, that is good that Archie is up and about so quickly. Hopefully he manages to get a little steadier on his feet. That's good news that they are letting 3 of you visit at once. It's still not a lot of time as you said but it may help Archie if he knows he will be able to see more people. I suppose they have to take it slowly with everything going on. I know the government says all the rules are off but I don't agree at all. I think people should be just as careful as ever, Just because they want to remove restrictions doesn't mean it's safe again! 
Yes I'm doing ok thanks, I definitely think mum is still here with me. I just keep getting moments where all of a sudden I realise she isn't there and I start to panic. I guess this is just normal, I think my head still won't let me believe she isn't coming back. I try not to think about it too much, once I start thinking that's when I usually get more and more upset. I hope you are doing ok Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I suspect that your moments of panic when you realise that your mum is no longer there, show that you are still in the denial stage to some extent. It takes people different  amounts of time to fully leave this stage behind and start to reach acceptance. This is upsetting, but it still sounds as if you are coping well - time is the only thing that will help with this.

It will be good for 3 of us to visit Archie because he has missed the company of other visitors, who talk to him when they are visiting other resiidents. Unfortunately none of the other residents can hold a conversation any longer and, this makes it a long day for him. He did have one lady who spoke to him, but sadly she passed away last year.

I totally agree that restrictions are being lifted far too soon. I fully intend to insist on the wearing of masks and the use of all PPE in my clinic for the foreseeable furure.

I am doing well thanks Simon and am very busy at present.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult for Archie if he has no one he can chat with. That's good that he can talk to the other visitors. I think you will all be relived that you can finally start the visits again! It must have been very difficult for you all. This Covid has not been good for anybody. I agree, I don't know how you can just pick a day and decide that's the one to let up the restrictions. On the one hand they are saying the numbers are going up and the next minute they sat masks are optional. It doesn't help, especially for you if you have your own clinic. I would definitely try and stay as safe as possible for now regardless what tour government tells us!

I think you are right Jolamine, I know that she has gone but there is definitely a part of me that hasn't accepted it. I know she's not coming back and when I do get upset it seems to be more painful now than it was when it first happened. It's more of a longing because I miss her so much. I think a lot of the time my head tries to forget it's happened as that's the only way I feel I can cope for now. I understand it's all about time. Hopefully down the line I will be able to look back and smile rather that just feeling pain. 
That's good Jolamine, you take care and make sure you don't over work yourself if you can. Best wishes. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Yes it is hard for Archie, but he needs a home that offers nursing care as well as accommodation. Although his home takes both, it seems to attract people who have dementia, or people who have had a stroke and are non-verbal. The more serious cases are housed upstairs, but there are a number of people downstairs who should really be upstairs.This means that we are always hoping that any new resident is more vocal.

I think I said before, that it takes people different tims to come to terms with what has happened. It is not unusual to feel more pain than you did at first. Now that you are no longer involved with funeral arrangements and settling your mum's affairs, you will find that you have more time to dwell on what has happened.There is no doubt that one of these days you will smile and look back on happier times.

Take care,

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, ah yes I understand. It must be very difficult for him. You would like someone who can chat with him but thst does sound like it doesn't happen very often unfortunately. It must be hard for him with having no company. That is why it's so important that 3 of you are able to visit him! I hope he is doing ok. 
Thanks Jolamine, yes the days are strange now. It doesn't feel like it was over 2 months ago but it is. Some days aren't so bad and others are awful but I know you just have to get through them and hopefully I can smile down the line like you said. Thank you Jolamine, I hope you are doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Sorry for the tardy reply. We have been busy getting ready to go away for a few days and, we are planning to meet up with my son and his family, which we are really looking forward to, as we haven't sen our granddaughters for over a year now - all I can say is, thank goodness for What's App and Facebook, which has kept us all in touch.

I plan to steer clear of the internet until we get home next weekend, so please don't worry if you don't hear from me until then.We managed to see Archie on Wednesday. He was in good form and still walking. I discovered when we were there that the ferrule on the end of his walking stick had a big chunk out of the foot, which I'm surprised the care staff hadn't picked up on. Hopefully, replacing this will save another fall!

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, no worries at all. That will be nice for you, I imagine that you will be glad to see your granddaughters after all this time! It's been an awful year, hopefully things get a little bit more back to normal in the future! Yes technology can sometimes be too much hassle but it is definitely very useful at the moment. It's been the only way to see others for lots of people recently. 
No worries at all Jolamine, you have a good time. I'm glad Archie is doing ok, I'm surprised the staff never noticed that with his walking stick. You would think they would have seen it. Best to get it fixed to make sure he is as safe as possible. You have a great time Jolamine. X

Simon

Thank you Simon,

We are now all ready to take off - Hooray!

Will be in touch when we get back after the weekend.

Jolamine xx