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My partner is dying of Malignant Melanoma

England43
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My partner was diagnosed October 2019. I met him in the April of 2019. We were going to get married and were very happy at the beginning. Since Oct 2019 we have not made love anymore which has made me very lonely and then the shouting started lots and lots of shouting and put-downs and control. I was going to leave but I had packed up my flat which is an hour away to come and live with him in another house. I had put myself on the council register in Suffolk, He has been on immunotherapies to start with which then gave him side effects. They stopped the immunotherapy because of the size of the tumour in his oesophagus and it was getting bigger whilst all the other cancers had got smaller. He then had radio therapy and then they sent some of his tissue away to Roche in the States and it came back that he had a very rare mutation. So they put him on a drug which targetted that and all the cancers came down including the one in his chest. He felt great and could eat again. He then suddenly got very bad rashes like burns all over his body and got the same side effects as before dry mouth upset tummy shivering and the burns are awful he had to come straight of the treatment and then his tumour started growing rapidly in his chest.We saw the consultant and she said there is one more drug but only if there is time. I said how much more time she didnt know.

Its only if the rashes come down will he get this drug. Its the last one he can have and then its the end. He wants to get married but I don't think he will have time to do all of that. 

Im in a very difficult situation and need to talk to someone urgently.

If we marry then I could potentially inherit some of his pensions but I don't know and that would help me but I could also inherit his debts. He has had several wives also.

Can anyone help?

Thank

Louise

 

 

 

 

  • Hello England43,

    I'm sorry to hear about your partner and can understand how difficult the situation is for you. If you feel comfortable, it might be good to discuss your feelings with your partner. Processing your options together may help. You had some financial concerns and there is some information here, which I hope is useful, and Citizens Advice can also offer advice. If you have any medical queries, our team of nurses are available Monday to Friday between 9am and 5pm. You can call them on the freephone 0808 800 4040.

    All the best to you both,

    Moderator Anastasia

  • Offline

    Hi, how are you doing? It's so scary having a partner with serious cancer, i lost mine to stage 4 oesophageal cancer a year ago (3rd april), he was only 44 and we have two girls who were 7 and 11 when he was diagnosed. The worsttime of our lives. We were able to nurse him at home ourselves the last few weeks, it was tough. We had the shouting and anger too, did you know anger is a secondary emotion stemming from something else like fear, loss of control and helplessness etc. We had less of it at the end, i guess acceptance kicked in....this is the most awful thing i have ever been through, but i am so glad i stuck by him, i don't think i could have lived with myself if i hadn't. It's up to you if you want to marry, sounds like it would bring him some comfort, I'm here if you want to chat or private message me, xx

  • Offline in reply to plebbs

    Hi Plebbs,

    Thank you for your email. It really helps to speak to someone who understands what im going through. I havent got a great deal of support im here alone with him. Hes been bad today. But He is on Debrafanib which is helping a bit. The cancer is in his osophegus and various other places. Its awful. We have tried to keep busy. Im so sorry to hear about your husband. I know its a secondary emotion but he apparently has always been a shouter. It really is hard to be caring when someone is shouting at you and calling you names. I have promised I will stick to him until the end. I dont know if we will get married or not. It depends on time. I think he has accepted it now. x L

  • Offline in reply to England43

    You're not the only one to face aggression unfortunately, there's alot of women on here who have too! Seems to be the male way to deal with this alot of the time. Particularly when they have been agressive in the past and have never learned to deal with their feelings, my  mother-in-law said the other day "perhaps we should have sent him to anger management when he was younger"! Bit late now! But i think it is true that when you are old or sick your true personality comes out, it's harder to hide the bad self i guess. Some of the drugs made him more aggressive too i noticed, he was on a steroid called dexamethasone that really fired him up. I've heard others say the same. In the end i talked to him and we stopped it, i didn't want the girls last memories to be of him shouting at us all, hard times though, no fun at all xx

  • Offline in reply to plebbs

    Hi There,

     

    Yes, I've heard that people can become very aggressive especially on the steroids which my partner is on. We also haven't known each other that long its only two years and I'm now in the situation of being a carer I'm not moaning about it but I did it for my mother before she died and it nearly killed me I'm so tired. I can't much about it. I'm trying to help him as much as I can. I've seen the worst side of him. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It must be so hard when you have been with someone for a long time. Obviously during Covid its been terrible. Weve tried to be so so careful. Then all these stupid people out there breaking the rules.

     

  • Offline in reply to plebbs

    I just wanted to ask your advice is it advisable to ask how much funerals will cost. I sort of want to do it but I don't like to. But I need to know how much it will cost.

    Thank you for all your advice. 

     

    Best Wishes

    L

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