Dads been home from hospital 11 days now and we've had huge ups and downs. Days where he eats and drinks well, and days where he is asleep for 90% of the day. 

The last 48 hours have been mostly sleep with little ups and mostly downs. He is struggling to cough up secretions and he seems to have forgotten how to suck on a straw. Its heartbreaking and the nurses keep telling me that its quite normal for these things to happen. 

As humans, we love to feed when our loved ones are poorly - its in our nature. I just feel so helpless, dad hasnt spoken at all since yesterday and his mouth seems so dry, ive been applying saliva replacement gel to try and provide him comfort but ive no way of knowing if it helps. Ive been dropping a tiny drop of water in the front of his mouth/ lips to also aleviate the dry mouth.

His breating is getting noisier and I feel we're only days away now. 3 weeks ago the consultant informed me that short weeks is all we have.

He has been weening off the steroids which has further made him more delirious and confused and the seizure medication has now been changed to a liquid form. 

Dad doesnt seem to be in any pain (has a transdermal pain patch on) but hes just not my dad anymore how he is. 

I feel cruel that I want him to 'go' which would end all the suffering for everyone involved, at the same time I dont want him to go because hes my dad and I love him to bits. 

Its just awful in every sense. I have a phonecall due from the palliative home nurse team and im dreading the next steps of syringe drivers. 

It seems it doesnt matter how much you read online, try to prepare yourself for whats coming - nothing really prepares you for the angst and anxiety surrounding my love for my dad. 

I try and stay positive for him but its so hard, I find myself needing to retreat to another room to have a sob before pulling myself back together to be by dads side. 

The emotions and feelings are so awfully conflicting. I just keep telling myself that I need to get through these next few days/ week.