I've never posted before but I have used the site a lot to look for answers / advice.  I'm in a place now where I can't really find what I'm looking for. I don't really know what that is tbh...

My Dad was diagnosed very unexpectedly in May 2020. He has been feeling unwell, nauseous and vomiting for a couple of days which was very out of character (if he caught anything it would be a cold rather than a bug).  He was advised to go to A&E after being seen by his GP.  He was admitted straight away and the following morning was taken for a series of scans - MRI, CT, X-ray etc.  That afternoon he was given the news that he had stage 4 bowel cancer and needed emergency surgery and his bowel was blocked.  We were told that he only had a 50% chance of making it through the operation but if he didn't have it, he wouldn't be coming home. 
Thankfully the operation was a success and after a week or so in ICU / High Dependency he was allowed home.  This was all during covid where we weren't allowed to go to hospital and it was 250miles away from myself & the rest of the family.

Over the coming weeks, we had various conference calls with professionals who gave the prognosis of 6-12months.  Treatment was discussed with his oncologist but my Dad declined as it would only have brought him a very small amount of time and he didn't want to spend his remaining time feeling awful from treatment.

Here we are now, 9 months on.  He's been great.  Mentally coping so well, maintaining his awful sense of humour, trying to get on as best as you can when there's a stupid disease telling you you can't see or hug your children and grand children.  
 

There's been a change in the last few weeks - he's sleeping during the day every day now, he has lost his appetite, smells of food make him feel nauseous, he has a dry mouth, he can no longer manage short walks due to his leg muscles weakening and feeling breathless.  He could manage a couple of laps around the block 6 weeks ago but now he manages to go up and down his street a couple of times at most (slowly).  
 

He has a GP appointment yesterday and was extremely breathless just walking 200 yards from the waiting room into the office.  We knew the cancer had spread from his bowel to his liver, lymph nodes and possibly his lung (they found a shadow but didn't pursue further as said the liver was the big issue).  Being assessed yesterday, the liver tumour has grown significantly and was far more prominent.
 

The GP has arranged a chest X-ray which we expected to be a couple of weeks away but turns out to be tomorrow.  
 

My Dad is very pragmatic. He talks openly.  He was reassured that the doctor didn't seem to be concerned (in his opinion) but all of changes that have happened in the last few weeks along with such a sudden appointment for the X-ray make me feel that we are at a turning point and maybe moving to the end stages now.  
 

I know no one can tell me when we will be nearing the end of his life.  I know he is going to die.  Nothing shocks me now, I just hate the unknown.  We haven't seen our Dad since Christmas and can't bear the thought of missing out on important time because of bloody covid.  It's just all so unfair. 
 

Our mum died 6 years ago. Brain cancer. It was awful.  I'm terrified of going back to that place again. 
 

I don't know why I'm even writing this.  I just feel so helpless.