Cancer Research UK main site

Struggling with Nursing my Dad

Snowball6891
Offline

Hi everyone. 

I am currently in the throws of helping my mum, brother and sister nurse our dad through the last days of stomach cancer. I seem to cope fine and then get teary exactly when I don't need to be, like when I am with him. We are lucky in that he is at home and in his own room, but he is beginning to get terminal agitation and I just want him to feel safe and ok. 

I think I just needed to find somewhere to vent a bit and write down how I feel. I know my mum, brother and sister are also finding it hard, especially my mum who is doing the bulk of the caring. She does this through choice but I feel powerless and like I am not doing enough.

x

  • Offline

    Hi, I cared for my husband at home last year, he lost his battle to cancer last August. I have spent this year caring for my son who has terminal cancer, I'm not sure how long we have left. There is no right way or wrong way as to how you cope, everyone is different, the fact that you are there with your dad and family will help, just support and be there for each other. I cry most nights, it is hard, just keep telling your dad how much you love him. 

  • Offline

    Hi there,

    I completely understand how you are feeling. I looked after my amazing dad in October in his last week of life. It is such a tough job and you will cry when you don't want to but remember crying is ok. It is part of the grieving process and so natural. Your dad will be so proud of you and having you there caring with your siblings and mum will mean the world to him.

    Make sure you talk to him, I found this is the thing that helped me the most. Terminal agitation makes you feel helpless but hold his hand and talk even if it's about nonsense.

    You are doing an amazing job.

    Take care xx

  • Offline

    Dear Snowball

    I know exactly how you feel....powerless and like you're not doing enough because I feel in a similar position to you ...sometimes you just can't do anymore and it's so frustrating...but I'm sure you are a massive support to your family and with all of you around him...I'm sure he feels very safe and loved. Be kind to yourself (I'm  trying to).

     

  • Offline

    Hi Snowball,

    I understand what you are going though, in may this year my dad passed away with kidney cancer which has spread to his stomach and other areas. 
     

    my dad, like yours, became extremely agitated in his last week or so of life. He was in my parents room and was desperate to come down stairs and sit in the lounge! Me my mum and sister were having to hold him down some days (where a dying man found his strength I'll never know!). We were lucky that we had brilliant nurses who we could call to come and give him something to relax him. 
     

    I found I was very teary when with him, looking at the man who had been so strong and took care of me my whole life, needed ME! Little me who needed him! I hated to see him like that! That broke my heart, but I focused so hard on giving him everything I could for the last time and I think that's how I did it. It is the hardest thing I've ever experienced and I am so so sorry you are going though this right now. 
     

    With you feeling powerless, I feel you. My mum did the bulk of the care, as does yours and my sister is a carer so had no issue with doing all the hard jobs of helping get him dressed, toilet etc. All I did was answer the phone and door to nurses and doctors and cook food constantly. I felt helpless. But we have spoken since and my mum and sister tell me I kept them all together. Somebody had to do those jobs too. All you can do for your mum is be there, make the cups of tea and hold her hand. 

     

    Take care xxx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.