After being told in 2017 cancer could not be found in my dads lungs he has been slowly going downhill.

He recently spent 5 weeks in hospital with his COPD and was tested again for cancer, TB and a fungal growth in his lungs. Although all the tests came back clear the consultant said he couldn't rule out any and dads lungs were too poorly for a biopsy.

He was sent home with palliative care. After a blood transfusion and a course of steroids he did perk up quite a bit but now sadly gone downhill again.

He asked to see my siblings and I earlier this week so we travelled to see him ( we all live in different areas of the country ). He was very ill, frail and almost not like him at all. He slept mostly but did manage to talk with us briefly. The nurses told us that they thought he maybe had a few days (4 days ago). 

I'm struggling to go back. I know dad knows what I'm like and wouldn't expect me to. He has his partner with him and she is doing a wonderful job with his care ect. She has said she is happy on her own but obviously we can go if we want. She did mention that dad is deteriating quickly and maybe kinder to us to have those memories rather than how he is now. 

I cant get the images out of my head of when I saw him, a shadow of the man he once was, cannot even hold a glass. Struggling enough to breath let alone talk.

The doctor has recommended that after this is over we have a post mortem as now he strongly believes dad has cancer. He says he would be happy to write cancer on the death certificate but for the family we probably want to be sure.

I just cant get my head around all this, dad is only in his early 60s. I cant bare the thought of him being in pain or scared knowing what's happening and what's to come.