Cancer Research UK main site

Feeling guilt at abandoning hope

Babouchka
Offline

Hi everyone

 

I posted months ago about my dad who had been diagnosed with very rare metastatic meningioma. Fast forward 11 months, and sadly all have failed and he is now at a very advanced stage, his liver tumours are protruding largely outside his abdomen, he has gone from an avid hiker to barely able to walk in just the last 2 months. He is exhausted, weak, in pain, and can barely eat. 

Despite all this, my mum and brother are actively trying to secure radio embolization abroad, the hospitals in France where they live have already declined. One hospital in Switzerland explained yesterday that the treatment would be useless, and advised to seek palliative care. But they won't let go, and I have to follow suit to respect their wishes, I'm in charge of communicating with a centre in Rotterdam. I know, deep down, that the answer will be the same. 

I'm feeling very guilty, it feels like I'm betraying my dad, and also my mum. I can't stop feeling bad about it, but I can't feel hopeful either, having been devastated many times in the last few days. I'm sad that they spend their days on the computer and the phone, chasing thin hopes, when they could be spending time together, reading to each other, watching a good movie, cuddling on the sofa. 

I can't tell them that, but it eats me up. I have a recurrent dream that my dad calls me from his death bed in the middle of the night, asking whether I got an answer from the centre. I find it so stressful that I'm on the verge of tears all the time. 

 

I know that emotions are conflicted at the time when a loved one is approaching their final times. But how can I shake that horrible guilt? Should I play along, should I refuse to? 

 

Thanks 

 

  • Offline

    Hi there ..

    Please don't feel guilty .. it's such a sad situation ... they say hope is the last thing to go ... it's like some feel they have to hold on no matter what ...

    But in truth, your so right, every second now should be cherished as a time to help him on this last journey .. just being there, sharing tears and admitting your all scared .. but holding each other's hand .. there's a song that says .. there's a time to fight and a time to stop fighting ... a time to live and a time to let go ... my heart goes out to you ... 

    Your just not wanting to waste this time ... I'm sure if there was any hope , you'd be there ... I know as on my cancer journey, I've made the most of every day ... and I know when I'll fight... and when enough is enough ... I think your in an impossible situation ... and please know, what your doing and feeling is because you love him, and don't want him to hurt any more ...

    Hold on in there ... you try and hold his hand ... and yet empathise why they are doing anything ... even though there is very little if any chance of him getting through this ... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you Chriss for your kind answer. It's what I needed to hear after another hospital declined yesterday to treat him.

     

    Now, all hopes rest on my shoulders as there is only Rotterdam left. It took me 2h this morning to call them for an update, and I was almost relieved that the line rang busy. I will have to ring again later, but I have to build up the courage to do so.


    See, I know Rotterdam will say no too. They have made it clear that patients need to be strong enough to look after themselves post treatment due to the high risk for the nurses (radioactivity). But my dad can no longer cope on his own and his primary doctor has decided to set up home care. And the delay anyway for treatment post decision is 6 weeks. Given that decision has not even been reached, I don't see how this would even be possible.

    But I can't tell my parents this. I have to wait until Rotterdam eventually declines, because I cannot be the one who will kill all his hopes.

     

    I just want to be near him and my mum. We live in different countries and the situation with travel makes this even more horrendous.

     

    Thanks for your support

  • Offline

    Please don't feel guilty about this.  You Dad, very sadly, has a terminal condition and from what you say, it sounds as though palliative care is the best, and kindest option.  It is sad that the rest of the family can't accept this, but so many people struggle to accept that there is no more to be done for a loved one, and feel that they must try every avenue to help them.  You are being the realistic one - stay strong, even though it is very hard.  xxx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.