Hello. I have never posted to a forum before but really need to hear from others who might understand. 

Mum's breast cancer which was treated last year and at the start of this year seemed to be under control and then in August we found out by a really cold and quite heartless letter (due to covid) that it had likely spread to liver and bones. We had to wait a month, until a week and a half ago for her to see the oncologist, by this point she had been in hospital for three days as an inpatient as she was very confused and seemed ill. She was only allowed one person in with her during the oncologist appointment, due to covid restrictions and we even had to fight for that as they expected her to go in alone - totally cruel. Mum was terrified and very poorly with an infection on top of what we know now, the cancer having spread.

She was told they could treat her and extend quality of life with treatment and we were sad but relieved that we would get more time with her.

As she was an in patient last week, due to covid visiting bann in hospital, we werent able to visit and had to put up with calls when she answered the phone. Some of these calls were lucid, others, she was finding it hard to communicate coherently. It was very stressful and she really wanted to come home - it felt very cruel that they kept her in, not allowing any visitors and not updating us on her condition without us having to chase it daily on the phone.

Last Monday my sister got a call when she was out at a restaurant to tell her that a further scan showed that cancer had aggressively spread to the brain and liver and bones and treatment was no longer an option. We were all devastated and again, had to spend the next day chasing various hospital departments trying to get answers and updates via phone. It was all very impersonal and cold, they didn't break the news sensitively and we had to work really hard to get full answers, their excuse being that covid meant they couldnt do it in person. Finally, someone rang us back and said she had deteriorated so much and was staring blankly into space and we should go in and see what we would be dealing with if she came home. They said she had only weeks to live - totally devastating news. We went in on Wednesday and having apparently been very aggitated before we came, she was calm with us and said she loved us and although was talking some nonsense and having a lot of physical ticks, she knew we were there and we were finally able to hug her and tell each other we loved each other. We took her home that evening and arranged palliative carers at home (via a hospice) twice a day and she would be in a hospital bed in the lounge. She was able to say some coherent things on Wednesday evening before sleeping and on Thursday morning. Ever since then, however, she has been mainly asleep and sedated, unable to swallow now, on a medicine driver which keeps needing to be increased throughout the day and night and is she is expected to die imminently. I just can't believe this is happening. I don't know how to process this and to accept that I will no longer have my lovely mum in my life anymore and we didn't have any time to process the news or spend any final nice moments with her. I am extremely angry at how the hospital handled breaking the news to us and that we and mum weren't given the dignity of being told in person. I am also really angry that they kept her in hospital for a week and a half and didnt allow any visitors, only to then allow four of us in there  at once, when they wanted us to calm her and take her home. We could easily have visited prior to this as they had so many staff on and barely any patients so it felt so evil to deny mum any company.  I feel so incredibly sad and guilty that my mum was robbed of that time with us. I don't know what I will do without her. I moved back in with her last year as I was going through a hard time and wanted the company and shortly after moving in with her, her initial cancer was diagnosed. I'm so glad that I had that time with her especially with the lockdown as I think she would have struggled alone. However, it also makes me think of what we missed out on as we weren't able to do much in lockdown.

My dad died of a long, drawn out range of illnesses less than two years ago and I can't believe that we are dealing with it all over again, especially as mum also had open heart surgery a few years ago and has been so incredibly brave and strong. I'm so angry that I am 37 and will soon be an orphan. We won't even be able to have a proper funeral for her due to covid limits and she was always so active in her local church so it feels like she is being robbed of everything. I just don't know how to cope and feel like my life is now not worth living. I'm single and don't know who I will have to turn to now, where I will end up living now or what the point is in my future. My mum was such an energised, social, community oriented person and I feel inadequate comparison and I feel that it would be better me dying than her as she has so much still to live for. Is there anyone else that has been through similar and got through it? Just don't know how to handle it. I'm trying to spend as much time by her side as I can handle but also feeling so drained from the stress.