Hi all,
I'm a 24 year old guy and my Mum was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer three years ago.
During this time, I've been very matter of fact and open with family and friends and felt like I was staying strong and controlling my emotions well.
Recently she's declined considerbly and has been in a hospice for the last 2 weeks.
I saw her for the first time yesterday and it was one of the most difficult days of my life, having to do everything in my power to hold myself together when all I wanted to do was break down.
Up until this moment, she's always looked reasonbly 'well' and kept up her good spirits but her fragility and dramatic weight loss has effected me deeply. The moment I walked into her room, my brain must've taken a photographic screenshot because it's all I see now everytime I blink and I can't stop crying - this is coming from someone who hasn't been very emotional since her diagnosis.
I'm angry that it had to get to this point and so wish that Euthanasia was an option in the UK. My Mum could've ended her life on her terms, with dignity and with her soul in tact. Now when she's looking at me, she's staring through me. I've already lost my Mum, it's just her pshyical, moving body that's still with us.
She's coming back for day visits from next week as she's bored and would rather be home. I'm petrified. I want to pack my bags and go away but I know that's not an option.
Over the past few months, we've had a lot of 'she won't make it past the weekend' notifications from doctors and each time, I take time off work to come home and be with the family. Each time my Mums pulled through and I've gone back to my day to day. I sense fustration from my employer and I'm now too worried to take the time off I need to heal. They've said once she passes, I can have 3 days. How is 3 days enough time to get over the death of my Mum and my best-frend I've known for the last 24 years?
I think it's helpful to write these sorts of posts, bit of a relief from just thinking it over and over in my mind.
x
