Hi everyone,

Bit of a long story so here goes. My Dad (71) has been unwell for around 2 years. He got very thin & weak over a short space of time, but absolutely refused any kind of medical assistance or visits to the doctor...repeated efforts from myself, my brother and my Mum were ignored or shut down. He hasn't left the house in 2 years and almost didn't let us come to theirs at Christmas last year as he said he 'didn't want us to see him like that'. He relented at the end and we all had Christmas together.

He was a difficult, stubborn, and sometimes angry man when we were growing up, and always had a deep fear of hospitals. When his Mum developed Alzheimers and was hospitalised towards the end of her life, he couldn't face visiting her, so my Mum dealt with it instead.

We suspected it may have been cancer, and Thursday night he became confused and then had a fall at home. Mum said she was calling an ambulance, and he told her 'no'. She called one anyway and they took him into hospital. They have now confirmed liver cancer which has spread to the brain, therefore causing the stroke. They've said he may only have a couple of weeks left.

Mum has been visiting every day, and says he's not coherent, barely speaking and not making sense when he does, and seems slightly agitated. I saw a very brief glimpse of him in his bed the first time we visited (as only 1 can go in due to Covid), and he looks almost unrecognisable compared to a year ago.

My brother and I are really struggling with whether to visit and say our goodbyes. He has always been incredibly proud and showing any kind of weakness was not acceptable to him, so we know that he probably wouldn't want us to see him like that. My Mum is worried that our last memories of him would be upsetting and would rather we remember him as he was. But it feels so wrong and uncaring to stay away. The hardest part is not knowing what he's even aware of and what's going on inside his brain.

He definitely knows that we love him (and vice versa), and we have both told him recently that we're grateful for everything he did for us etc so there isn't any unfinished business as such.

I appreciate that we have to make the decision for ourselves, but just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation, and your thoughts. I am 99% sure that if he could speak & was coherent he would tell Mum that he doesn't want us to visit. But we don't want to be left with regrets either.

Sorry for the long post & thanks for reading x