One of my grandparents has been ill with lung cancer since January last year and we were told that it isn't curable but treatable. They had chemo and radiation, etc. and for a while it looked like they were going along just fine. However, in the last few weeks, their health declined and they ended up in and out of hospital. Now, we have learnt that the cancer has spread and they will be on palliative care from now on.
I expected this to happen because I knew the cancer itself wasn't curable. But it still doesn't make it any less shocking. And now I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, from sad to angry, to hopeless, and now I just feel numb. Which is even worse because I know I feel sad about the situation but I can't cry unless I'm by myself and think about it a lot. In a weird way, it's like I'm "used to it" - which sounds horrible!
Most of the time, I'm with my boyfriend all day, which has helped immensely. I feel guilty too for grieving before my grandparent has even passed. It feels ridiculous. But it just feels like we all have this black cloud over our heads; we know what's going to happen, but we just don't know when. And I constantly try to get on with my day (because what else is there to do?), and I think "Oh I could go out ..." ... but then the black cloud comes back and I realise "yes but they're dying", "I could cook something ..." - "yes but they're dying" ... and so the cycle goes. Nothing that I considered fun before I found out the news about my relative seems that fun anymore
Now I just feel numb, and I don't feel as lovey dovey with my partner either because I just don't feel like ... I have the emotional capacity. Then of course I question, what's wrong with me, and my poor partner ... uh.
I live abroad, like a two hour flight from all my family, so the distance makes it harder. On the one hand, it helps to distance the situation (like I can pretend it's not happening), but then I feel bad because there's not much I can do from over here. And I suppose I just crave to be with my family because they're going through this too. But then I couldn't exactly hug my family because umm COVID-19 ... WHAT AN AWFUL YEAR FOR EVERYONE!
The thing is, I don't normally get upset on the phone with my family. Normally I'm in a good place when I call them and it's normally me who's listening to them getting upset. And of course, in a way, I don't want to share that I'm upset because I don't want them to worry about me because they have to care for my grandparents. When I do get upset, I can turn to my boyfriend - thank goodness because I don't know what I'd do otherwise - probably would've gone home by now!
This is also the first experience of terminal cancer for me and my immediate family so nobody knows how to react, what to do or how to cope. One relative has been a bit insensitive about the whole situation and hasn't been offering much help despite the fact they live half an hour away from my sick relative (don't think they've fully accepted what's happening and are burying their head in the sand), so that has also soured the mood lately in the family. I'm not asking for any answers per say. I just wanted to explain my situation. Hopefully, it can help someone else out there who is feeling the same way as me and going through a similar situation.
xx
