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I'm going to lose my dad ...

xlb92x
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Hi all, im just not sure where to start.

I'm 28 years old and I'm slowly losing my dad to Cirrhosis of the liver mixed with Diverticular disease and type 2 diabetes. There's a high liklihood of liver cancer, however that's where the problem lies. 

My dad is 58 years old and absolutely hates hospitals. He will not go no matter how many people plead with him to go. Because of this, I have no way of knowing how bad its gotten. The prognosis isn't good, maybe 6 months if we're lucky. 

He's as thin as can be, he's got a huge swollen stomach, swollen legs and feet that almost look plastic and more recently He's becoming increasingly confused and agitated. He is receiving palliative care and for that I'll forever be thankful for. 

I spend 90% of my time feeling guilty. Guilty that I didnt spend more time with him when he was well. Guilty that some days when I go and visit him I wished I was at home. Guilty that I've shouted at him when he refused to go to hospital or when he declined a going in a hospice that id fought for. Guilty that im already grieving for him and hes still alive. 

Does anyone else understand what I'm going through and can possibly help me? 

Thank you

L x

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    Hi xlb 

    sorry you find yourself here xx 

    I think many of us who have been in a similar situation will be able to relate to the guilt you feel. But...the things you have said, there really isn't any need to feel guilty about them. 

    We are all guilty of taking the people in our lives for granted. We don't think cancer can come along and take them. Also, I am not surprised you wanted to be in the safety and comfort of your own home when having to witness your dad fighting cancer. I would be the same (in fact, I WAS the same! I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital and into my car). I think I would shout until I was blue in the face if I loved someone but they were resistant to treatment which could help them. 

    You haven't done a thing wrong. You're being normal/ human. 

    I do think there are occasions when we grieve before a loved one has passed, yes. Anticipatory grief (I think that's what it's called) is a thing. There's also no need to feel guilty for that - you don't have any control over it. 

    I understand everything you're going through - I've been through it myself xx 

    Let us know how you are? And your Dad? Xxx

    A little tip from me is....if you do feel like saying anything to your Dad, now is the time to say it xxx 

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Honestly, just thank you for taking the time to reply. I genuinely didn't think anyone would get round to reading it. 

     

    Its such a relief that so many people understand  what I'm  going through because some days i feel like the only person left on the planet. 

     

    He has some great days where he can sit up and fiddle around and some days where he's too weak to open his eyes. I'm taking every day as it comes and trying my best to continue going to work to keep an element of normality. 

     

    Thank you again

    L x

  • Offline in reply to xlb92x

    Hi L x

     

    Nice to hear back from you. 
     

    Oh yes - I remember that awful feeling. Even if you're lucky enough to have a great support network around you, it's still a really isolated place to be when someone you love has cancer. What you said there really brought back memories - of feeling very withdrawn and alone. These forums are a great support for times like these. 

    I'm glad your Dad still enjoys some good days and I hope these continue for as long as possible so you can spend some quality time with him. 
     

    I was the same as you and continued to attend work after we were told of the diagnosis. It really did help...a cancer diagnosis causes such disruption. My head was all over the place, I'm sure you understand this feeling too. I found work grounded me and gave me a sense of normality, like you. That was important. 
     

    You've got a great plan...one day at a time. Please do come back here whenever you need a chat xxx 

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    Hi

     

    Im so sorry to hear about your lovely dad. 
     

     I am 24 and lost my dad to cancer on 1st May this year. He put up a bloody good fight, going to the hospital weekly, treatment after treatment, but I am like your. I feel guilty. Guilty that I didn't do more whilst he was here, that I shouted, that I didn't just be with him more. 

     

    we cared for him until he passed away, at home with me mum and my 20yo sister (who did most of his care!). 
     

    He was a wonderful man, who was stubborn, rather like your dad it seems . I spoke a bereavement support person yesterday, who said we can only do what we can with the information we have at the time. I've heard that so many times before, but never related it to this situation. But she's right.
     

    Your dad doesn't want the hospital and you have respected his decision, which is what he wants. I know you will have probably pleaded with him at times, but should rest easy knowing you did your best. He knows that too. maybe you won't be able to see that now, you will in time. 
     

    Please be kind to yourself

     

    liz 

    x

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