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End of life for mum

Sls
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My mum was diagnosed with unknown primary cancer back in August last year. Poorly differentiated carcinoma cells in the lymph nodes. She had a dismal prognosis but she was holding hope into being part of a clinical trial which she met the criteria for. Covid cancelled everything including the last bit of hope she was holding on to. She wants to die at home and has nurses and carers. I'm terrified and I think she is too. She caught covid and stayed on a ward for 2 weeks and the scan after this showed the cancer has now spread all through the lungs a few weekend on she has a large lump in her neck that the doctors have said will be the cancer. I really don't know what to do I can't talk to her about dying as she's convinced she won't. She's sleepy even falls asleep sat up very weak and not eating at all. I feel it my duty to be with her when she dies. I'm hoping the nurses can indicate to me when it is likely to happen as I don't want her to die alone becauSe when reality hits she will be terrified as she wants to fight. Heartbroken 

  • Hi Sls,

    I'm so very sorry to read about your mum. I can only imagine how difficult this must all be and especially with the current covid situation making everything even tougher.

    No doubt she knows you are there for her and I'm sure you're doing what you can to help, so try not to feel like you're not doing enough or anything. Try to get as much information as possible from her doctor or specialist so that you can be as informed as possible about what to expect.

    Speak to your mum when you can and say anything you want to say to her, if you can. You may find it helpful to write a letter. Or as a starting point you may like to simply write down your feelings and worries and see if this brings up any points about any possible steps or actions you may like to take.

    I'm sure there will be others on this forum who have been through, or are perhaps going through, something similar - so hopefully others will be along here with suggestions too.

    Please know you're not alone and we're always here for support.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline
    Hi, hope I can help a little. My mum passed last Thursday morning 4/June at home My mum didn’t know she was dying, things moved very quick from being told no more treatment on may/6th, she also was constantly sleeping and eating very little. My mum Mum went from months to live to weeks then days so quickly My mum had an excellent district nurse, who came and spoke to myself and my mum about her end of life care, she explained that when things got really bad she would go on a driver that administers meds such as morphine and anti anxiety to ease any pain/agitation to help the passing as easy as possible for her On Monday the 18th my mum went downhill rapidly, lost bladder/bowel control, couldn’t walk and was extremely agitated. So called the district nurse and was put on the driver that day, we were told only days but my mum hung on for 11 days, fighting every inch of the way, it was the worst thing watching her die over those days but knowing she wasn’t in pain and died peacefully does help with my grief My mum was in denial, the full time and fought every step of the way but unfortunately her cancer was just to much and couldn’t fight any longer Speak to your mums palliative district nurse and discuss her end of life care. Love to you both
  • Offline in reply to karand

    Thank you for sharing x

    my mum died 11th of July 

    I still never told her it was so bad I couldn't sit and watch her die I wasn't strong enough to attend the funeral. I really miss her and I keep sitting up and going through every last detail in my mind. She was so brave she always smiled. I've tried counselling, medications to help but nothing helps 

    I just really can't cope with death

    I'm scared that she may have died and it was just nothing I would like to think that heaven exists it was just so so sad 

  • Offline

    Hi Lorraine

     

    I'm so so sorry to hear that

     

    i keep finding myself sat up at night upset, I just feel so bad that she thought it may get better. I can't even bring myself to look at her old messages to me. I just think she shouldn't have gone that way I'm absolutely crying my eyes out writing this I just feel gutted it was horrendous watching her deteriorate. 
    I hope she wasn't scared and I hope there's something there after life.

     

    I hope she never realised she was dying 

  • Offline

    I just can't stop picturing her little face full of  hope. 

    Sorry about your parents.

     

    literally feel like I can't function properly constantly wondering if I did enough

    She really didn't want to die couldn't even talk about it she was so scared 

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