I am sorry you have received this news. My mother passed in April 2019 and before this experience I too was scared of death/someone close to me dying. Have you considered a hospice, talk to McMillan re palliative care pain relief both were a godsend for my mum. I became really scared when they attached the syringe drive to my mum as we knew she didn't have long then, however the drugs in the drive are calming and contain pain relief. Due to this my Mum’s passing was peaceful and I sat with her body after she passed something I thought I would never do. 
Talk to your team for advice and support they do an amazing job McMillan nurses xx

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but glad it was so peaceful for you both, and thank you for your kind reply - Yes we did look at the hospice but, with the corona virus, visiting times are limited and we really want to be together. Otherwise a hospice would have been perfect, but the idea of only spending a few hours with eachother a day was unbearable to be honest. I have followed what he wants and I'm glad he's at home really but it does have the downside of being scared. The hospice is looking after him too at home so I know I can call on them for advice and support when I need it. x

Yes I was scared of being present when my mother took her last breath. Luckily I have brothers and sisters we supported each other. The hospice my mother was in had the facility for families to stay over so my mother was never alone. I'm glad you have the support from the hospice either way they truly are a blessing. Take care keep strong xx

You have just described what I fear too. Currently Mark is in hospital but due to Covid a hospice will be our very last resort. I am terrified of dead bodies. Even my own family. I am scared of touching him and he is gone, being in the house alone after it, everything. 
 

how have the past few days been for you both? 

The days have been ok - Gordon is still here, he is eating and drinking less but times when he is alert and chatty, but a lot of snoozing as he gets tired easily, we still chat and I read to him, which I've never done before. Looking back at my post I realise we have got into a rhythm and I'm no longer frightened of messing up his medication or scared that I can't look after him properly.

I'm hoping that when he dies it won't frighten me too much, his body which has let him down will be left but that's all - I really think there must be a spirit as surely we are more than a breathing machine?

How is Mark doing? Can you visit him in hospital? Are you hoping to have him home, despite being frightened? I'm so glad Gordon is home and so is he. The hospital bed works well as it means he is comfortable so I don't worry so much. Strangely, this time is really precious and lovely and not the agonising time I thought it would be.

I know the future alone is really scary - sometimes I get overwhelmed with it. But we will both cope, you and I, we will both get through it. How long have you and Mark been together? We've been married 20 years. Gordon is only 63, I am 60. I used to think those ages were so old but not now.

Let me know how things are, and I'm thinking of you both

Thanks Petalgirl - our experiences are so similar - Wills done, funeral arranged, I'm sleeping on the kitchen table (with padding) next to Gordon in hospital his bed. Carers and District nurse visiting. Laughing and crying too. It's a beautiful and special time as well as frightening and sad.

I send you hugs too and it's strangely comforting to know that you and I are going through this so not entirely alone, although we also are if that makes sense.

It's far far better that Gordon and I are at home together and I really feel lucky that we can be.

Love and support is here for you from me

xx