You clearly loved your husband very much and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's normal to feel how you do. Grief = love. You have devoted much time to your husband taking care of him and now it's time to think about how you can take care of yourself. Find a quiet darkened space, clear your mind, light a candle and in your mind ask him, what you should do. If nothing is forthcoming try again... and if you really can't can't get anywhere, I recommend you find a medium to help you find an answer. All this might sound poppycock but I know several ladies who have been in your shoes and now they have found their way and I am confident you will find yours. To contact a medium, please find your local Spiritualist church, they will give you a warm welcome I am sure. 

Kynren thankyou so much for your message yes I looked after him he was worth it but had alot of hate off one of his son's he put me through hell the things he did to me now it's made me feel guilty 

Cancer brings all sorts of emotions out in people. You can only know how tough it actually is if your the caregiver. People on the outside those not dealing with the day to caring don't understand what is really going and make judgments based on Information they do not have. Someone going through the end of life is not the same person as they used to be and their mind focuses on different priorities. My mum in law just decided to turn her phone off. The illness meant she had to live with us but she seemed to want to cut herself off from her life before. Some relatives thought it was me preventing them talking to her as she was the life and soul of the party you generally couldn't get offf the phone in a hurry. You say guilt but you only knew this man for a short time and you deserved to be with him at this time in his life. His son was probably in a state of regret because it was too late to strike up a closer relationship. Presumably,the son is out of your life now and you can start to think about rebuilding some normal for you.  Maybe you can join a local group who offer support to people going through cancer. Even if it's a phone call to talk about experiences maybe you can help someone else out who is going through what you did.

I love my husband it's because age difference there was between us he came to are wedding then I looking after my husband day and night when he had shingles then blood test every month they all worked I was there for him when we found out he had cancer he was in hospital I was there every day he came home then went back in u was there again sleeping up there when we got told he only had weeks to live he said Hun can I come home I said yes I looked after him 24 hours he passed away 9 days later his son told undertaker to stop me going to see him stopped me going to send off threatened me so I had to move area and he was going to have me done he would not let me have my husband ashes he was nasty before my husband passed away my husband called him a bully

You might have a lawsuit against the undertaker. They have certain rules to follow and you were the next of kin not the children. What has happened to you no doubt will have and will continue to cause you psychological damage. You need to take legal advice to see if the funeral director breached their code of practice. So sorry to hear all about this, it must be very traumatic for you not being at your own husbands funeral and now being taunted with his ashes.