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My mum is dying and I'm scared. I'm only 21, help?

Parisnip
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My mum has terminal lung cancer, and the doctors have recently given her only months left to live. The only certainty is that it's only going to get worse and I don't know how I'm going to cope. 

I'm not religious so this is the end. 

I am feeling so much that it's overwhelming that words don't do my tears justice. 

At 21 I'm just starting to get my life together. I'm finishing my 2nd year at university and doing well. Me and my partner have just bought our first house together (with the addition of pets) and I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. It's all new. But I know that my mum is not going to be there to help out soon. She's going to miss my eventual graduation, wedding, my children- their accomplishments and me qualifying as an Architect. She's going to miss everything. It seems like a selfish thing to be upset about but I need my mum there. Women are scarce in my family- it's mostly men- who am I going to look to for a rolemodel? I have my grandparents but they're old now, my mum should be there when they can't be. 

I'm one of the youngest of my immediate family, my brothers are much older in their 30's- but it feels like the weight of keeping my family afloat during this time comes down to my shoulders. My bothers are still in denial and don't speak about their feelings so I'm the one who comforts my dad, grandparents etc the most. I commuted from Liverpool most day's in the week when I could from university to be close to home. It's taken a hit to my uni work but my family is more important. 

The thought of saying goodbye to my mum is unbarable at the moment- I immediately burst into tears just thinking about carrying her coffin down the church isle. My dad, oh my dad. Married 25 years this year, if my mum lasts that long. I'm genuinely scared he's going to kill himself to be with her when she dies so I'm moving out my new house and back home when she does- all whilst continuing my 3rd year at uni (hopefully long distance) because that's the easiest route to take surprisingly....

It just all feels overwhelming and I'm not ready. 

I'm not ready to see my mum in pain, frail and bones. 

I'm not ready to continue to watch her die. 

Seeing her everyday is a catch 22 situation. It's so hard to see her like this but I got to spend as much time as I can with her. Even if I don't particularly enjoy the experience all the time (which brings guilt). 

I love you mum, I'm scared I'm going to forget your voice. 

- Georgia

 

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    Hello, 

    First and foremost I wanted to send you a great big virtual hug. I can relate to so much of your post and wanted to drop you a PM. I've added you as a friend on order to do this. 

     

    Take care, 

    Jodie

  • Offline in reply to Christmaslover25

    I'm so sorry to hear this.

    My mum passed away a month before my 21st birthday from stage 4 bowel cancer. I would say  I know exactly how you feel, but I know when people said it to me it just made me angry because how do they know how I'm feeling or what my relationship with my mum is like. Also it's not selfish, in reality you're allowed to be upset you've had all these things tkane from you. When you get given that terminal cancer diagnosis the grieving process starts a lot earlier than if someone died suddenly. 

    I didn't know how I was going to cope getting through that first Christmas, my 21st birthday, my January exams, graduation, wedding etc. But I did, and although it doesn't feel like it... You will too. The most difficult thing I've found is my recent cancer diagnosis but I know I will get through it... Because I got through everything else. I am also not religious so an afterlife is not much comfort to me but I do find myself thinking "what joke would my mum make now? 

     

    With lockdown I imagine things are even more difficult. My mum insisted I stay at university and so I didn't see her in her final weeks and I still kick myself. But I know it's what she wanted for me and I have to try and take comfort from that.

     

    If you can, take as many photos together as you can. Make up or not. You wont care how you look when you look back on them. If I can suggest, record videos, I found a 5 second video clip of a trip to a safari park almost four years after she passed away. It's utter nonsense of her comparing me to a rhino, but it's the most treasured five seconds of audio that I have. Also the plastercasts of hands, "I watched a ladbaby video the other day" and I couldn't help but think how much I wish I had done something like that!

     

    If your mum feels up to it, ask her to write you letters for the important moments in your life, wedding, children, that first Christmas, birthday, graduation, general life advice, marriage advice etc. Unknown to me my mum had written my 21st birthday card, at the time it broke me... But it is in my "in case of fire" grab box and a treasured possession. I just wish I had more.

     

    You will find ways to honour your mum in everything you do. Try to live in the moment and take each day as it comes. You don't want to spend everyday worrying about the future and missing the important moments now.

    In practical terms if you haven't already, reach out to your university and let them know what's going on. I found I threw myself into everything when my mum passed and I didn't actually want help until the end of my third year when things were starting to change and the reality hit me.

     

    You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to wallow. You're allowed to be annoyed with people  because it's unfair. The bottom like is... It's really unfair. If you haven't already take a look at Maggie's cancer centre online they're great for not just the patient but the family too!

     

    Sending all the hugs your way!

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