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My Dads last moments

Lainey1961
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I lost my dear Dad a year ago, it’s his birthday today and I can’t sleep at night over the last moments. I lost my mum to cancer 4 years ago on the same hosp ward, my Dad deteriorated daily with heart failure and COPD and cancer, I sat beside his bed for a month solid after a fall at home and he had a brain hemorage, I did not leave his side, but on the last day he was struggling throwing his arms and legs about and quite confused, my friend who was with me said let’s go downstairs for a coffee “u need a break” I was scared of leaving him, but the day before he was talking  to me and said “  I am worried about u, “ I agreed to go but no sooner had I gone down 1 flight to the restaurant in the hospital the sister came after me and called me back. He had gone. How did he go that quick . And why was he all neatly on the pillar like he was just asleep when under 5 mins before he was all over the place. I know he was given something but I can’t prove it.. I think of it every day . I feel I let my Dad down and I wanted to hold his hand as he passed. I hate myself for leaving him that day. Has anyone else experienced this ?

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    Hi, I share with your sadness, looking it from another point, maybe your dad might have been waiting for the moment when he was on his own to pass, to save you seeing and being there? 

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    Hi, u didnt let him down, u loved him and he knows it, my father in law did the same after a heart attack, all his family were with him and he was stable so they went home, had been home 5 min when hospital rang to say he had gone, apparently it is common for them to do that...he also knew how hard it was for u going thru this again after your Mum. I am sitting by my husbands bedside writing this as he is dying of horrible oesophagus cancer, he has started throwing his legs, twitching, getting confused and deep breathing then stops. We are at home and hospice coming to assess soon but they told me they are all signs of end of life...I am giving him painkillers and something to calm him, that would be what they did for yours too. .mine is only 44 and I cant be with him constantly- have 2 girls and very little help due to lockdown! I hope I am with him too at the end but not sure I will be.. but he knows we all love him and your Dad did too, he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it, u are suffering enough already xx

  • Offline in reply to plebbs

    Hi I just came across your post, I am hoping your husband is still with you, if not I hope it was a peaceful passing. My husband had oesophageal cancer diagnosed 6/2015 he had chemo/surgery/chemo and was in remission until Sept 2017. He had many complications, renal failure, fluid on lungs swelling, blood clots and I stayed with him either at hospital or at home right until his last breath. We were convinced we had more time and he would get more treatment but he deteriorated so quickly and on his last admission 29/10/2017 I was called to the hospital a few times in the night, on 1/11/2017 we were told there was nothing more they could do (even though day before he had an appointment come through for the oncologist) he had an episode while I was there of thrashing around then his heart rate dipping very slow but they worked on him and we were moved to a side bay and all the family were contacted. He had a number if these episodes again with thrashing reaching out etc but he was then given a driver (luckily my twin sister was with us to help make decisions as she's a nurse) this calmed him down and he could talk and slept he eventually fell into a sleep and slipped away 5 1/2 hours later. I lay on the bed for hours before he passed and our children were holding his hands as he went, not scary like I thought it would be. If he is still fighting don't fear the end I didn't want to be there but it was the best decision I could have made I wanted to be him. I hope you find this helpful. Sorry for all your going through. Much love Helen xxxx

  • Offline in reply to helenmick

    Hi, thank you for your message. Sadly we lost him on Friday. He was semiconscious but could still hear us, it was a sunny afternoon at home and the girls and I were all sitting on the bed next to him playing cards laughing and arguing as usual ( even the dog was there!) when we suddenly  noticed his breathing had gone quiet and he was no longer with us.  His Mum was just coming in with a cup of tea too so all of us he loved were with him...and a friend who has a spiritual healer said he saw a Male spirit from his family he was close to waiting for him..his Dad died 2 years ago on Friday, we like to think it was him, gives us some comfort! With the lockdown his funeral was just us that were with him, oddly intimate,  and although we are missing him greatly we are actually finding the lockdown useful as none of us feel like socializing but dont have to.. in fact can't! Friday is also the anniversary of his diagnosis 1 year ago, I like to think his Dad was trying to show he was close and reassure him then too, not the 'awful coincidence' most people have said..I'm sure you are still missing your husband,  as my friend said "the sun never shines so bright again"

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