Hello and thank you for reading. I'm in a very difficult position and would really appreciate advice and the opportunity to try to put my thoughts in order. I have a very difficult relationship with my family, and have been partially estranged for 10 years. There is a history of personality disorder, alcoholism and I was the scapegoat with the golden child brother. My father is about to die from advanced secondary lung cancer about 3 hours drive away. I cannot go to see him as I am recovering from my own surgery for melanoma stage 2 and I am very weak still. I have always tried to resolve issues with my parents but they are horrible to me. I try and try and then have to step back to protect both myself and my son from their verbal and emotional abuse. I haven't seen my brother for 15 years as he sexually abused me as a child, and my parents believe I am making this up for attention. Or I'm mad, even trying to get doctors to diagnose me. My late husband died of a brain tumour 10 years ago and so I know how cancer deaths can go. I urged them to see me before my operation would limit me 3 counties away, but they said they didn't want to. My father has made no attempt to tell me for the first time in 20 years that he loves me, even thought I've phoned and cried and begged. They remain as cold and unloving as usual. He is now unconscious and the time for any reconcilation with me has passed. Golden boy has, in contrast, had a lovely Christmas and cosy fireside chats sharing loving memories and I am so jealous and resentful that I have been cast out for telling the truth and defending myself. I feel numb. My close loving friends and my husband and in laws are surrounding me with support and love and are furious at the way I have been treated. Today was my father's birthday and it looks like he will live until the morning, I spoke to the ward nurse who went to wish him a Happy Birthday from me and to tell him I love him. At least my final message will be in contrast to his final words to me, shouting out that he never wants to see me. When my late husband died I did everything I could to support his family and his kids to see their dad, to have every opportunity to say everything they wanted to when they still could. It comforts me that I gave him the best death I could at home, however challenging. Part of me is still a little girl, waiting and hoping that her dad will say he loves her, even though I'm nearly 50. Accepting that it will never happen now is very hard. This is a man who had a much better relationship with alcohol than with me. I want to remember good times but it's very challenging to think of any over the last 30 years. My son has autism and he calls him a village idiot. They laugh and mock his disability. They are racist and homophobic and think I'm weird for challening their point of view. I know for my own sanity that moving far away was the best thing I could do to keep my sanity. I'm hurt and angry that not even having cancer can get attention on me away from my brother. Most of all I feel numb. Thank you for listening.
