Hi Kathryn, what a horrible time for you all.  There comes a time in our lives when although the child we have to become the parent.  She's upsetting all of you and you're not wanting to upset her, so a viscious circle.  I truly don't think she is going to change her attitude, there is a lot wrong with her and incurable cancer is hard to deal with, I know this as my husband has it but although nearly 74 years old is taking all the help he can.  So how to cope?  Be honest with her, tell her how hurt and angry you are, yes it will upset her but she may take on board what you say.  My Father and I had this sort of relationship until we fell out big time and I gave him a few home truths, he actually listened because it was new to him that for once it was about my feelings, my hurt and anger and it changed things round.  So you need to stand up to her, don't be angry or mad, just tell her how you feel, she may just listen .  If not then there is little you can do but respect her wish to die she is in a black tunnel and this is her way out.  You should have a McMillan cancer nurse to contact so you can discuss what is happening or speak to one of the nurses on this forum they can help you.  I wish you well and that whatever happens you will be there for Mum, her way or your way.  Carol x 

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear of your mum.  It's awful to witness. My dad died of lung cancer last year very rapidly and I'm still heart broken. What I will say is he had a rapid deterioration and wasn't fit for treatment. What your describing including lack of appetite and weight loss is likely to be the illness itself. I was also annoyed my dad wouldn't eat but the cancer makes them lose their appetite and strength. Keep offering light food and fluids.  Regarding treatment when a cancer is advanced sometimes it's palliative treatment only.  Some patients are not keen on certain treatments as the side effects are very strong and make you feel poorly. You mentioned your mum lying in bed all day and not wanting to help herself, again cancer makes you so ill and poorly. This happened to my dad he disconnected and didnt talk much, at times i too thought he was being difficult but realised later it was the illness coupled with his emotional state. I felt helpless ando felt a lack of control over the situation. Speaking to your mums consultant and you and your mum knowing the benefits and drawbacks of certain treatments will help her make choices. Just being there for your mum is all you can do, emotions run high and you feel you want to be in control. Sometimes you can't control things but merely be there to offer support and ask her what she wants or needs. Thinking of you all. Xx