Hi clb84,

Firstly you are not a fraud, what an amazing kind and caring friend you are! 
 

im 34 and unfortunately my older brother 38 was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable bowel cancer with mets to his spine and liver. 
 

I know a lot of my friends do not know what to say, and some even disappear with the fear of saying the wrong thing.

I think you should ask/message him what you have mentioned above, tell him how you feel and ask him what he needs and/or wants from you.

Thats personally what I wish people would do with me, he may not know what he wants, but the fact you asked and you're thinking of him means a lot 

I wish I had more friends as thoughtful as you x

*diagnosed Jan this year  

Hi DaniC

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm so sorry to hear your brother's diagnosis. At that age it must hurt (emotionally) that much more. Your comment about friends disappearing is exactly how I don't want my friend to feel. Having to deal with cancer is hard enough, the last thing you want to feel is abandoned by your friends when you need them most. 
 

A lot of people seem to get a lot of support through this forum so I hope they can help you too if you need it. x

Thank you for your kind words

You are being a really amazing friend, talk to your friend, ask him what he wants and needs at this time. Even if he doesn't have an answer for you, the fact you asked and was having an open and honest conversation with him, will mean so much to him x

Hi clb84

I agree completely with DaniC. My mum has stage 4 cancer and was given 4 months in July. I have completely changed as a person. I've gone from being kind, bubbly and sociable to becoming a complete monster. I don't speak to anyone anymore. When people give me cliches I have to walk away before I punch them! 
 

I'm telling you all this because all I really want from people is honesty. I just want them to say I love you, I love your mum and I don't want you to hurt but I don't know what to do/say that will help. And then ask your friend what they would like from you which will help them. I find people say/do things to make themselves feel better and seldom about helping me. I'm sorry if this is negative but I'm giving you an insight into the brain of someone affected. I hope it helps. 

Good evening, was that the right thing to say??

I agree entirely with DaniC. Just be there for your friend, what a lucky chap he is having a great friend like you. you are a gem.

There may be times he wishes to be alone, but say you are there for him. give him space but talk frankly and listen to him. Sometimes listening is more important then talking. Perhaps sometimes difficult for guys but a hug is sometimes a really cering move. 

You are no fraud! you are a wounderful caring person trying to get some help for your friend. If I were your parent, I would be very proud of you. I think you are a special friend.

To a special person

R

Hi Priya13

Thank you so much for your honesty in your reply, it's so very much appreciated, and you have no need to apologise for any negativity at all. I just can't even comprehend what it must be like being in your position.

I took all your advice on board and got in touch with my friend - only via text as he's spending all his time at the hospital at the moment, but I was very honest with him and even said I might say the wrong thing. He's not the kind of person to necessarily ask for help / reach out as he's focusing on looking after his mum & sister so I will try and keep reminding him we're here, without smothering him. 

Thank you again for all your advice and I hope you can also find the support you need in this forum.