Just over 3 years ago my Dad was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer and when they operated they found it in his stomach as well. He spent 4 months in hospital. He got the all clear a few months later but then 3 months later on a routine check up blood test they told him he had it in his liver as well as 2 lots of Skin cancer - merkel Cell Carcinoma. In Jan this year the operated on one but they had to go in again in March. MCC decided it didnt quite like them messing and spread - quickly! He became bedridden about 2 months ago but Mum would walk him round the bed to keep him going. (She is also disabled)
My Dad is now at end of life and I live 3 hours away. 2 weeks ago tomorrow we were called and I made the horrible journey thinking we were losing him. He looked terrible. He perked back up over the next couple of days and I visited again on the Saturday. He was sat up in bed, weak and tired but laughing and joking. We do the family history together so we spoke about doing that when I would go over a couple of days later. He even turned his laptop on - didnt do anything just turned it and said how much I encouraged him to carry on.
My Mum asked me not to go down last week during the week a) the cost and b) she had nowhere for me to sleep as she had visitors. he had a Syringe Driver put in on Thursday. I went back on Saturday and the difference was unbelievable. He was as he had been before..... hardly awake, confused, hallucinating, pain ... everything that shows he does not have long. I stayed till yesterday.and I had to sit for quite a while deciding what to do - stay or go home. My head was telling me to stay but my gut and heart told me to go home. I did the journey home feeling guilty that I was leaving him.... I will be back in the next couple of days.
Today he has eaten a bit of porridge ( blended down) He is still rattling when breathing, lots of congestion, Wee is a dark orange colour (so I know his kidneys are stopping work) hallucinating and pain.
It is horrible being so far away ... I feel lost and dont know what to do with myself, each time the phone rings Im scared to answer incase it is THE call. I am ready for him to go - in my head I am - as I know it will be no more pain for him. He is a fighter but this fight is getting the better of him. I am a strong person usually but just the thought of it all makes me burst into tears.
Sorry about the 'ranting' .... I know others are going through the same and luckily my brother and his wife are absolute rocks at this moment for my Mum and Dad. As the eldest I feel I should be there doing my part