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My mum has just been diagnosed and I'm so scared scared

JessicaBx
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So this is the first time iv ever posted on anything like this, I'm completely new to it.

My mum has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, that's incurable, she can't have chemo because she's too weak. Their unsure wether they will do radiotherapy, we will find out this week. But it's months and not years that she will have left to live. I'm struggling to imagen my life without her, I'm so scared to be without a mum, and a dad. My dad passed when I was 2 years old. I'm now 26. I have two young children, I'm so worried that my youngest won't remember my mum. I'm having nightmares about the end, I just don't know what to expect or how to feel.

Any advice would be so appriciated x

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    Hi Jessica make some memories now take photos if she's mobile go out places and more photos talk to her about her past record it if you like, then you've got plenty to remind yourself and children, it does get easier with time you never forget it just gets less painful, best wishes... Billy 

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    Hi Jessica,

    So sorry to hear about your mum. It must be a very hard time for you all right now.

    In terms of what happens next, the consultants will explain your options. It may be that your mum doesn't want any treatment in which case they will control her pain, when it comes, through medication. 

    Your mum may quaify for attendance allowance and you can read about that here: www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

    We all die, it just so happens that your mum will die a bit sooner than expected but at least you have some fair warning. You should try and make the most of the time that you have together - though I appreciate it will be hard with young children who may not understand what is going on. 

    You could write up a list of questions for your mum which ask about her life/childhood etc.  and then have her answer them in front of a camera. You could then show this to your cildren when they're old enough to understand. 

    It will get hard but things will get easier X

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    Hi Jessica,

    I am about 4 weeks ahead of you. My mum is in the same position which has come as a terrible shock. She can't have chemo as has heart failure. I really feel for you as I have 2 young children and the whole situation is so confusing and sad. If you can cope with reading, I found a book called With the end in mind really helpful. It sounds grim but is actually very positive and practical. One of my close friends gave me some advice which I struggled with at first but is making me feel better. He said if your life goes - grandfather dies, father dies, son dies then you are blessed. He said be thankful that you Mum won't live to see her children or grandchildren suffer from illness or pass away. I know this is quite blunt but it has helped me. Thinking of you Jess xxx

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    What you are experiencing is normal and to be expected, it’s personal to you and your own experience but many of us have been through similar and come out the other side, as you will too.

    You’ve shared here and that’s a great start, being open and sharing with others close to you helps, it will help you so you can be stronger to help your mum.

    Get involved and understand what’s going on, you can’t change the outcome but time now and until then matters.

    Prepare yourself for unexpected sorrow as best you can and look to your family, friends and children for your motivation when the time comes, remember also that the loss of a loved one leaves a gap that will be with you beyond, it doesn’t get easier or hurt any less but with time you will get better at dealing with it.

    I am one of the other people I mention also dealing with helping my mum in a similar situation, not long after losing my dad in 2017 shortly after diagnosis, so as personal to you your situation is with your lovely mum, I do understand and I’ve come out the other side once, hoping to do so again, as you can too.

     

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