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Crumbling under the weight of it all

Kajena
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My dad was diagnosed with cancer at the start of this year. The cancer recently spread and is now pushing on his brain so he has dementia like symptoms - doesn't know where he is, says incoherent things most of the time. 

The drs now say he has to be moved to a nursing home. His wife is unstable and refuses to care for him at home. He probably has max six months left. My heart is breaking at the idea of my dad's life ending in a nursing home, of him potentially being mistreated and upset. I feel so horrified by what has happened. Accepting he is dying was hard enough, but accepting such an end to his life is heartbreaking. I feel I've let him down.  

Anyone had a similar situation?

 

  • Hi Kajena,

    I'm so sorry to read about your dad. I can only imagine how tough this is all feeling at the moment.

    Firstly - try not to be hard on yourself; you certainly haven't let him down. There is also no reason to expect he'll be mistreated - hopefully he will have better care there than at home, especially if the care isn't available at home.

    Try to do what you can to support your dad, but also take time to look after yourself too and don't beat yourself up for thinking you should be able to do more. If you feel you'd like additional support, there are resources available, such as those offered by Maggie's and Macmillan.

    My reply here will boost your post so more people will see it and if anyone here has simlar experience then hopefully they'll be along soon. Do also feel free to search the forum for any similar discussions.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    This is hard for you, I can understand that.  I work with care homes a lot, including some that have made bad headlines when rogue members of staff have behaved badly.  Most are good, with people who genuinely care.  My grandmother went into a home in late August as she was 92 and her leath was deteriorating.  It is the best possible place for her, and the staff are amazing.  Getting her a place there, and the funding to help it happen, was hard but incredibly worthwhile.   

    Talk to social workers and GPs - he may qualify for Continuing Healthcare Funding, which means that his care home place will be fully funded, even if you choose a more expensive, private care home for him.  We were initially paying £300/week top up, but now her place is fully funded - a huge load off our mind, and the home is a place where we are supported as a family as well as my grandmother.  

    You could run yourself into the ground trying to care for someone who really needs specialist care, or you can accept help from professionals, and make the most of the time you have left.  I'm pretty sure anyone can guess what your father would want.

  • Offline in reply to Duffield1

    Thanks for your message. 

    My dad is not 92 though, only in his 70s, so it is harder for me to accept that he will die prematurely and spend his last weeks in an institution surrounded by people he doesn't know. Not my choice (or my dad's) unfortunately as he would never agree to this.

  • Offline in reply to Kajena

    There are two different issues there - getting used to him passing away much earlier than we expect these days, which must be hard, and his care needs being handled by someone else.

    My grandma was vehemently against going into any kind of care home - she hated the idea. It was only when she agreed to go in for respite care that she realised how much better her life was in there - people around all day, she made friends after years of being lonely in her bungalow, and she gets the best possible care.  If your father is suffering with dementia-type symptoms, even familiar faces will be unfamiliar to him.  I've been through dementia with another grandparent, and it was incredibly hard for us - but less so for her.  A care home will be so much better equipped to deal with this, and a good one will help you come to terms with it, too.

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