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Visiting a dying grandparent

carly133
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Hi, 

If you haven’t read my previous post my grandad was sadly re-diagnosed with cancer, only this time it was terminal.

Thank you very much for your responses they have really helped x

As time goes on it’s becoming harder for me to visit I am 15 therefore I have an understanding of what is happening but I don’t want to accept it, I feel really guilty for not wanting to see him the way he is but I love him very much and want to spend every last second he has with him. 

Anyone feel the same way, much love x

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    Hi I was 48 when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and given 3 months to live. I have 2 sisters and between us with out any arguments I said I would like to spend the first 2 months only with him and my sister who was closer wanted to take it from there until the end. He lived abroad in the Caribean so money, time other commitments were a small consideration for me.

    I now have wonderful memories of caring for him when he was still able to communicate clearly, have a little laugh but he was still weak and very ill. Both my sister one through her job as a carer and the other through in laws have looked after old and sick people before so it was no issue for them.

     

    The main thing dad always had family members around him every step of the way. We were they when we could be and when we felt strong enough to be.

     

    I am not going to lie I do wish I had spent the last month with him too because my sisters had to stay in the UK for 2 weeks after I eft although dad was with a partner of many years and other relatives. I also wished I spent the last month with him as it was all the time we had left. But it would not have been quality time in the last week or 2, and I would not really have been needed as my two sisters are experts at carering for older people. So to conclude I have no regrets especially if my sister came straight after I left as we had first planned. Having only memories of him as a sick but spirited father-the father I knew and loved are comforting. Having memories of him laughing and cussing me and a half brother as we both had no credit on our phones was priceless one day. You are 15/young but it doesn't matter about age, everyone needs to support themselves as well as the family member in the best way they can without unneccessarily jepodizing their mental well being, job or any other factor. Work with your family as a team and if you or any other member want or need to step out then do so pass the batton-team work makes the dream work. I think plenty of people feel like you and I if there is a choice. I just KNOW/KNEW my middle sister was more than capable and wanted to be there til then end, she had the closest relationship with my dad, she also had back up from my older sister who is a professional carer, plus my dads partner, his son for 1st relationship. Take care-much love to youx

     

     

     

     

      

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    I'm going back about 30 years now, but I went through a similar thing when my Grandmother had terminal cancer. I completely understand how you feel. I was slightly younger than you. She had cancer, had been admitted to hospital for operations and treatment - during this stage I did visit a few times. She was then released from hospital when there was nothing further they could do for her and she came to live with my parents. She then had to go back into hospital when things got worse.


    At this point I couldn't bring myself to visit her. I was terrified. Terrified of what she might look like. Terrified of seeing her suffer, and more than anything terrified that she may die whilst I was there. It was pretty selfish reasons, but I was a child.

    I felt terrible guilt when she did pass, not helped by my grieving mom at the time saying we should have visited her at the end.

    Now let me tell you, I am not a spiritual person. I am an athiest and I don't believe in spirits, ghosts or the afterlife. However about a week or so after she passed I had a dream that my nan visited me. She came into my bedroom where I was in bed, she looked healthy and happy. She hugged me and told me it was ok, that she understood why I didn't visit and that I shouldn't feel bad. After that the feeling of guilt left me and I was at peace with it.

     

    All I would say is, if you can bring yourself to, try and visit even if it's just once. You might not want to now, but when you are older you may be glad you did. BUT, if you really can't bring yourself too, that's ok too.

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