Dear trace ,

I really feel for you at this time . Mostly because I am in the exact same situation as you are in right this moment  . 

I'm currently lying on a matress beside my dad . He has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in 2017. He has gotten aceties, which had been drained last night . He's extremely sleepy and has had his first day on morphine . 

When you say your waiting for the guillentine to drop , I know exactly what you mean . Don't feel guilty about this . I think it's perfectly natural to have these feelings. The way I see it is that your terrified of your dad struggling and suffering. But your also so terrified to loose him and let go . I understand.

Not an hour goes by where I'm not tearful . I cherish every second I have with him, but sometimes I get overwhelmingly upset that I will never see him drive his car again /do all the small things that he loves doing . I'm a wreck. The only thing that helps me is music and scrolling blankly on my phone . Also , I know that these severe feelings will pass , feelings always pass . We just have to let them . 

Please feel free to talk to me about anything . Maybe we could help each other 

X 

hi Moonhead92, thank you for replying. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, I wish I could say something to make you feel even slightly better but I am here if you need to chat or just to vent. All I can say is, try to remember the best memories you have with your dad, something silly you or he did, when he helped you, when he made you laugh or when he told you off for something that was actually so trivial but was the end of the world at the time! Nothing can erase then priceless memories and that is how your dad will want you to remember him, just being your dad x

You have made me feel so much better, I’m glad it’s ‘normal’ to feel like this, it honestly feels so hard when I even think about the future knowing he won’t be a part of it, I know he’s going to miss so much and I get so upset it feels like I can’t breathe. 

My dad is refusing all medicine including oxygen to make breathing easier. I don’t want him to suffer and just slip away slowly, that’s not how my dad has lived his life, one second I want it to be fast but then the next I don’t. 

I’m honestly trying my best to keep smiling for him just because it makes it easier for him but it takes so much more out of me, I just can’t do it all the time and then I feel like I’m failing him so I just end up going around in circles.

I wish I knew how he will deteriorate so I can at least attempt to prepare myself for it but nobody is saying and that’s harder still. 

If there’s anything I can do to help, plz msg me x

Hi-I came across these posts as I’m going through the same thing. It’s like a living nightmare. My dad has had bladder cancer for over three years, had a kidney removed and still fights on-despite the cancer overtaking his remaining kidney and “incredible bone loss” in his hips within the last few months. I don’t want him to be in pain... I don’t want him to die. I thought I would take it easier than this, I thought my acceptance of his death would be natural, especially after years of knowing about the cancer.  But when he was given the terminal diagnosis last week my acceptance of death has gone out of the window. It has suddenly hit home that I’m going to lose him. With a disabled, housebound mother it’s hard to know how I’m going to carry on. The prospect of him being in pain over the next few months seems unbearable...but easier when I am with them both than when my brother is taking over the caring duties and I’m home alone. I could cope with the bladder cancer concept-but the bone metastasis pain scares me stiff. We will all find a way through this...but it’s the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I read through the above and I see it’s the same for all of us. Love to all. Jx