Long story short, my mother and I have never had a good relationship, never really had a relationship actually.
I'm 36 and didn't speak to her for about 17 of those (not one long stretch, but added together)
She has terminal lung cancer which has devoured her and she is in her last weeks/days.
I went to see her today and I didn't not only recognise her face but also her voice sounded unlike her.
Shes bed bound and in and out of reality.
Thank God she has my 2 brother's, sister and dad with her round the clock
Speaking to her wasnt awkward but was pretty much small talk, nothing of substance.
I can't stop feeling so so so sad, so angry, so guilty and so very alone, as I am the only outsider in the family.
I feel like no one else has been through a situation like this where they've no relationship with their mother but are still absolutely devastated and heartbroken that shes dying and suffering in such a horrible way.
I'm not sure what I want from posting here, maybe just understanding or even just to let some of it out as its eating me up
