My mom was diagnosed with endometrial sarcoma around August last year. She is still 42 years old and I was 15. I still remember how we thought she got food poisoning, that her tummy hurts for 3 days that we decided it's abnormal. Then the diagnosis came.  

She already went through hysterectomy 2 weeks after the diagnosis since the pain was too much. She's went on chemotherapy and still has the strength to work and cook- she hates being bedridden and loved her job as a paediatrician. She helped me cope when I got bullied in school last year. Without her support I might not make it until this day.

My mom and I believed that she'll recover. No, probably she knew all of this but was hiding the facts that her chemo is not working, that her cancer is incurable by current medicine. I figured out when my sibling told me about the real situation.

There were so many signs, from the coughs to the letters but maybe I was running from the fact these whole time. Even now, I'm still praying that a miracle will happen. That I will regain the faith of my mom's recovery. 

Looking at her now is very heartwrenching.. from the funny, lovely, lively figure.. she now can't even breathe without struggle after her lung metastasis grown. I have to watch her in pain and begging the nurse to give her more morphine. I always cry when I visit her, but she held her own tears and instead wants me to be strong. I'm so pathetic. I feel like I'm just throwing my emotional baggage on her, I can't be happy. I'm scared she'll feel relieved when I smile, and she would convince herself I could make it alone without her, that it's timw to leave me. No, mom, I can't.. I feel selfish that I won't let her pass away even though she's in pain, but I just can't imagine that future. 

Even now looking at her clothes and bags and books, the things she'll never wear anymore, the things she won't carry to her work to treat children with heart diseases. If she.. is gone, I'd certainly cry whenever I look at her stuff. I need her to help me with my maths homework, I need her to watch me when I graduate, I need her to see my GCSE results.

Now my family is just arguing that she should be brought back to my home country. Effectively I won't finish my school and probably won't do my GCSE since I'm going with her. I probably need to move school and go through different education system, or even repeat my year. The consultant could only refuse and recommended my mom to a hospice. I can't do this anymore.

I wish the world would burn down.