Hello John,

I created an account so that I could speak with you. 

Its okay, absolutely okay and right that you should feel the way you are feeling right now. To hear the news that you have terminal cancer is a punch to the gut; it winds and disables you. 

You say you fear ‘wasting away’ and I get that but John, there is still living in dying. The sense of urgency you feel will hopefully help you see which projects and experiences are important and which are not. 

Have your doctors spoken to you about EOL care? Have you spoken with your family? My father is coming to the end of a long road and, for him, the ‘wasting away’ part was one of tying up loose ends, having those conversations he’d avoided for 40 years and trimming away all the unnecessary things in life to enjoy those things he really, really loves. 

Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re scared, upset, all at sea. That’s perfectly reasonable. Take a breath. You’re here and that’s everything. What comes next for you? What do you want to get done while that’s still something you can do? Who means most to you? Are there any conversations you’ve waited ‘for the right moment’ to have? 

Im not in the UK but my heart is flying over the Irish Sea to you. You will be okay. Keep in touch. 

Jenny

Hi Jen

 You are like a breath of fresh air, the first and best person I e conversed with.

I was so excited when I noticed your reply, lol silly old fol that I am!

ots been.  While and my only excuse for a belated reply is having had pneumonia since December, no excuse really but it's the only one I have.

I still feel the same however, my only real fear is no prospect of loosing the pleasures I love so dearly, trees, pasture , Cheshire  soft hills pretty ladies and children's screams of delight  , one passed the lust years and to be honest , ime glad.

       I do however get genuine pleasure from children's playtime squeals and teenagers pride and there need to blindly  prevail.

now ime getting heavy! But I do love to observe those things.

It's nice that your an Irish girl( you all remain as girls to me) I lived in Dalquay for a while then on to Waterford, beautiful country with some of the worlds finest horses.

I had to leave in the end as I stood out a bit as an ex naval officer, whatever ! I loved the land and it's mostly friendly folk.

    One thing that I have become resigned to is my death, I no longer serve any purpose and my life is miserable, it's time I was no more, but I have had a great life and indulged myself in my pleasures to an excess , more than I deserved.

what the heck, I loved every moment and I hope those I cared about did the same.

be well lady Jen , take in Irelands beauty for me, I cannot make that journey any longer.

john

x

I am sorry Jen, I've just seen how I mis be letter out , I should have said, I have vascular dementia, just to add to the fun.

sorry

john

Good morning, John!

How lovely to hear from you!

I'm so sorry to hear you feeling so low. This time of year is miserable, isn't it? Even in the pink of your health, January is a cruel month, let alone when you're fighting on so many fronts.

I'm glad to hear you were a Waterford Boy (!) for awhile, and I'm sure you blended right in. Waterford is full of sea dogs of every stripe imaginable, as well as the best Fish n' Chips in the country. :) I'm in the middle myself, in Co. Laois. 

The things that you mention enjoying most tell me quite a bit about the person you are, especially what you said about teenagers. Too often they're seen as a great nuisance (here, anyway) but you can see the potential in the awkwardness of that age and that's lovely.

This part of your reply was imortant:

"One thing that I have become resigned to is my death, I no longer serve any purpose and my life is miserable, it's time I was no more, but I have had a great life and indulged myself in my pleasures to an excess , more than I deserved."

I am glad that you have found come to the point of acceptance. That looks like a simple thing, but it takes a lot of hard soul-searcing and 'dark nights of the heart', doesn't it? My heart went out to you in your shock an bewilderment upon receiving your diagnosis, and I am happy to hear that you've come past this part.

Please don't reproach yourself on how you've lived your life, though, John. Forgive the impatient young man his mistakes. If we could do it again, who wouldn't be more careful, more thoughtful, etc? But you can't grow before your season and the lessons are only learned when the pupil is ready. Young John did things that Older John wouldn't dream of! I have too! But we live our lives as best as we can at that moment. I hope you can remember this as you 'take stock' and revisit those memories that need to be taken up, smoothed out, and put away again.

'Mind yourself, lad' as my Granny would say. Eat as well as you can, rest and keep warm. And please do spare this Irish lady a line now and again, if you've time to reply. I was delighted to hear from you.

Kindest Regards,

Jen

I'm not getting involved in your conversation here by any means but I just wanted to say whilst reading down what a wonderful reply to Johns post ,it just got me just lovely and warming and comforting and I just had to say that .

Certainly John ,she's a a breathe of fresh air .