Hi there ...

There's another lass on here   "Rainbowrains" she's going through a hard time, and her dad is really poorly too .. think you maybe able to support each other .. think you both need a hand to hold right now ..

My mum died suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to have had her for my mum... you've got the chance I diddnt have ... make every day a memory day. . Leave nothing unsaid .. share tears and feelings... and admit your both scared ..

This is one of the hardest things we go through in life... but make every moment count .. you'll look back and be pleased you did ... l lost both my parents in my 30s ... I remember it so clearly ... 

Sending you a vertual hug... chrissie x

Thank you Chris's for your reply. And so sorry to hear you lost both your parents. Life is just hard sometimes x

Hi Rainbowrains. So sorry about your dad sending you loads of virtual hugs, it is so hard. 

I actually slept last night, a first in the past week! My Dad doesn't live locally but I speak to his partner a lot, at the moment my Dad doesn't want to talk to anyone which I am finding really hard but respecting his choice as it's so much to process. I will phone again today and hope he is ready to talk.

How do you manage to do 'normal things knowing your dad has terminal cancer. I have woken up with my first thought being my Dad is dying. I just can't stop all this stuff buzzing around. Just wish things were different.

How has your dad been on palliative care? 

My dad Did not want to see anybody at first either , understandable as he thought he looked terrible, he refer to himself as a golem from the Lord of the rings :(, he is a proud man so respected the wishes but I got a bit bossy and told him he has so many people worrying about him, grown men crying who have grown up with him, i convinced him they needed to see their friend and he agreed , it certainly made him smile and chat loads , whereas most time he is tired and quiet so it was right to create visitors.  

I noticed everyone being gentle and calm when talking to him, naturally they are being caring but I realised this made him more down,  so have been me all along, i moan i swear I rabbit about crap, and he smiles  , laughs and says yep that's you  ! So when you call your dad again perhaps try have a little winge about something that annoys you lately and ask what he would do ? Or ask how you stop a water leak ;) for future reference of course.  Sounds strange i guess but I make my dad be helpful to me still each day, just by asking something that I don't know . 

As for carrying on ,sweetheart im afraid I haven't,  have postponed lots since October, but I'm starting to look for routes to help me find different thought paths,  this is the place ive started my hopeful voyage to find some kind of sanity and understanding 

No matter what he says dont stop calling, he is your dad, he is very scared,  he knows you are scared and he doesn't ever want you to know of him feeling that way , dad's are like that , strong and proud  !  So show him you are your dad's daughter, strong and proud and wont give up xxxxx

I am a bit relieved to know how i feel is normal, I guess there is no right way to be when you know your dad is going to die. I have found today difficult purely because life keeps going on. 

My day started rubbish with no crisps for packed lunch, my daughter had a melt down as her hair looked 'rubbish' and my bag broke! All before 9 o'clock. I have then seen family and sat listening to them talk about plans for decorating, wall paper, flooring blah blah and I keep thinking I don't care. I'm not interested and ended up at home with plans to tidy but sat on my own in tears instead. 

Tried to phone my Dad but no answer which I'm taking a good thing and that hopefully he has gone out somewhere. But then think did he have hospital and i just didnt rembember! Will try again later.

I hope your day has gone well and fingers crossed you sleep better tonight x

And while writing this post I just burnt part of the dinner. 

Today is not a good day!!!!

Well that's enough to make anybody scream and rant , believe me I would be feeling so done in right now,  but trust me we are seeing things worse than how they are , i mean take today,  its raining,  every ones hair looks crap in the rain,  blame the rain ;) 

No crisps for lunch , I've had so many panics about last minute realizations of not having what I ned9for the kids lunch or trip etc , but crisps are time consuming on a short lunch break . Who needs crisps im sure she had enough food but of course you felt like the worst unorganised treat deprived mum for this . 

Burnt dinner , oooosh you should see 2 of my sauce pans,  one went in the bin after 2 days of 'soak'haha , the other looks poorly now I've scrubbed it over and over .. Bolognese and pasta , it went *** up because I keep zoning out to feel sad :( 

And my dog has just ripped my daughter's duvet up because he Didn't like it maybe ? I don't know,  i just know its unnessecary but at 13 years young bless him I forgive him for everything,  that's the second blanket this month tho :o 

Challenges seems to come at once,  i think they only get thrown at those that can handle it though xxx

Update * the bag , i forgot about your bag :(  i think that's just natures way of showing you that you can carry so much more than you think you can in your arms without a need for an aid ..... :* xx

Hi there ...

Bless ya .. I remember when we'd lost a young man in our family.. he was 28 at the time.. it ripped through our family like a tornado .. a while later I was at the checkout ... and this woman was moaning and going on and on and on ... l wanted to shove the thing she was moaning about, where the sun don't shine ... but I didn't... just held it in, but thought she must lead a sad old life ... 

So you need to get them tears out, it's o.k .. and when you go through a traumatic time, it's hard to understand how the rest of the world is just being normal, when in your life, nothing's normal ... 

I'm so glad both you little rainbows have got together ... think it was fate, calling each other that .. so hold on together... and the support will help you both through this journey we go on called cancer ..

Big hug Chrissie xx

Good morning, I'm taking today as a new day and like you said everything feels worse when life's tough. I might even go buy myself a new bag!

My day ended quite well in the end. Spoke to Dad and he had been to the allotment so we chatted about this. He mentioned his radiotherapy, and got a bit confused so I spoke to his partner for a bit , she ended up telling my Dad off and spoke to him like a child telling him he needed to say goodbye for today as he was getting annoyed. I'm pleased to say he told her he was fine and chatted to me some more, we focused on films and not the treatment. It felt good to hear his voice and he sounded like my Dad should, last week he couldn't speak properly because of swelling but steroids have fixed that for now.

I saw a friend last night, a cried a little and laughed a lot. I decided I'm lucky because although I keep feeling annoyed with my family and friends, they are there.

Hope your day will be ok. How is your Dad x

Hey Chrissie

I think you hit the nail on the head. I am pleased I decided to join the forum. To be able to talk to people who understand I think is going to be a big help. It's just sad it's because we are all facing cancer in one way or another. 

Thank you for posting and normalizing my thoughts x