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My mum

LaurJane
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Hi, 

I came to write this post as I type I am sobbing my heart out and have cried so much, I can’t sleep and its 11:02 pm and have been trying to sleep since 8pm but it’s this time of night that it really hits me.

In January this year my mum aged 67 was diagnosed with lung cancer, which has spread to her chest, bones and spine and the cancer causing one of her lungs to collapse. They put a powder in her lung to help it. They said in hospital that there may be an option of chemo  and radiotherapy on her spine. The cancer cannot be cured and mum has now been fast tracked home on palliative care. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day and morphine. She was too poorly to go to see the oncologist at the hospital to discuss her scans and any treatment options so they have said if she is not well enough to walk into the hospital she would not be well enough for chemo. It really is breaking my heart that nothing can be done. The palliative care nurses have said that sometimes the quality of life maybe better  rather than go through the chemo and make her really poorly. I get that as she is sleeping lots, can hardly walk with oxygen and gets out of breath still.  It’s just so so hard to see. I am 34 and have two older sisters, we are round at mums with her and dad everyday.  Mum didn’t want to know how long she has left so we didn’t find out either. It’s just heartbreaking and I don’t know what to do for the best. We are trying to make her as comfortable as possible and be normal about things but it’s so hard and I can’t help think how much she must be hurting inside knowing she is terminal. I hate everything right now and don’t want to speak to friends. I am trying so hard to be strong for my mum and family then break down at night. 

 

There is so much I don’t know about mum and would love to do like a memory book for her and me and my sisters to find out more about us growing up and my mums life too.... I thought it would be nice to take her mind off things then I’m scared as she may think it’s final and that’s why i want to know these things. I’m so scared of saying the wrong thing or saying something that may upset her. I feel so helpless and just want her to be cancer free and I know that can’t happen which makes me so angry and upset. 

 

  Has anyone else been through similar and advise how you got through these difficult times and how we can help mum more and make mum as happy as possible xxxx

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    Hi LaurJane,

    I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this, when you wrote that 'there is so much I don't know about mum', that struck a chord with me. My mum passed away 26 September last year and I miss her so much, I also felt and still feel that I didn't know all about my mum. A memory book sounds a lovely idea for you and your sisters. 

    As you are doing, spend as much time as you can with your mum, I don't think it's possibe for you to say anything that would upset her  or do the wrong thing, how could that be when the love you have for your mum is so clear. You will be the greatest comfort whatever you say or do.It is very hard to watch someone you love so much battle cancer. It's difficult to stay strong, I leaned heavily on my close family, we all felt the same, I held my mum's hand and told her its ok mum, its ok, I couldnt say goodbye, it broke me.

    Sorry I'm not being any help....I sobbed my heart out in the Dr's surgery and a young girl, a stranger came over and sat with me, I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand some of how you feel....thinking of you at this difficult time x

  • Offline

    Hi LaurJane,

    I am so very sorry to hear about your mum & what you are going through right now. I don't have much advice for you but I just want you to know you are not alone. As i am replying to you i too am sobbing my eyes out & can't sleep for the same reasons as you (my lovely mum was told a week ago she was too unwell for any treatment for a secondary tumor in her brain, we are trying to keep her comfortable at home but know we don't have long left). I too feel so helpless, nothing ever prepares you for this! I have just been trying to sit with mum & hold her hand, play music i know she likes & make her room nice with her favourite flowers etc. I think your memory book is a lovely idea & it will also be a lovely thing for you to keep to remember your mum. There are still things I want to say to my mum I just haven't found the right words yet, but i don't want to have any regrets. 

    It sounds like you & your family are doing an amazing job looking after your mum already & I'm sure she knows how much she is loved by all of you.

    I will be thinking of you through these difficult times.

    Sending love & support, xx

  • Offline in reply to Linda63

    Hi Linda 

    Thank you so much for your beautiful message it really does help and I am so sorry for your loss.  Nothing prepares us for any of this.  I really do feel for you. We go through so many emotions, I feel anger and upset.  I think a memory book will be nice and also maybe for yourself to write a memory book for yourself about your mum and about the memories you had with her. That will be so lovely to look back on and read and I think it helps us if we write things down and our feelings. 

     

    It is so so so hard knowing that we cannot have our mums with us forever so treasuring those memories we made and have are so precious. Xxxx

  • Offline in reply to Westerel

    Thank you so so much Weaterel and I am so sorry to hear of your mum. Words cannot describe the hurt and upset you are going through. I find it really does hit me at night when I try to switch off and sleep.  I then get so angry and frustrated why they cannot treat mum and with all the technology in the world why can they not do something.  Then I sob and can’t stop like you.  I have been skipping the gym lately and eating rubbish food with everything that is going on, I am going to go to the gym tonight and eat healthy to ensure I am strong for mum and I think we need to take care of ourselves too and our wellbeing so we can be strong for our mums and family.  It’s easy saying that, I just think it will help.

     

    It is so hard that feeling of feeling helpless, I get that.  Just know that your mum will love all of those times you spend with her and cherish those moments and don’t be afraid to ask her questions she will want life as normal as possible and she would want you to ask questions and be there for anything you want to tell her too.  This is what I am finding out right now, there are so so many things i don’t know about mum and have been scared of asking her, I think it will help take her mind off things even for a little while, she loves talking about her past and her upbringing and her memories and always smiles and I want to remember that and make as many memories as possible. 

     

    Xxx sending all the love and support to you and I hope your mum is as comfortable as possible and I am sure you are doing amazing and know that she loves you so so much and always will 

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