Hello orchardcorner,

I really sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and would like to pass on my condolences at this incredibly difficult time.

Warmest regards,

Moderator Anastasia

Hi OrchardCorner, 

My goodness your Dads story is very very similar to my Dads. We lost him mid Jan less than 2 months after diagnosis although I think he new a few months prior but already knew it was too late being an ex paramedic etc. 

His also spread to the peritoneal cavity and he had several colon tumours and obstructions. 

His decline was rapid and such a huge awful shock, he didn't get the chance for any treatment at all. It was very painfull to watch my big strong Dad wither away unable to eat and turn into a very old skinny man when he wasn't old. 

My Dad died at home, he did everything his way!! And also arranged his own funeral which I couldn't get my head around. 

I'm only a month on from the terrible ordeal and just coming to terms with the fact he's not coming back. 

Wanted to let you know I understand the hell hole you have just been in and feel free to message anytime. This placed helped me such much. 

Sending strength your way, it's a tough journey but somehow you just keep going. 

Rosie xxx

Hi,

mostly I’m ok. We’ve got his funeral on Thursday but I’m going back to work on Monday for a couple of days. I don’t m know how I’m going to be as I currently can’t get motivated to do anything. Everything seems pointless. 

I know I need to eat better and get active again but I can’t be bothered. 

Did you feel like this?? I think I just need Thursday out of the way. 

Emma x

Yes I had absolutely no motivation and just couldn't imagine caring about pointless trivial things at work, I had quite a few weeks off which I needed. 

It's only been 6 weeks still although feels much longer and things like wanting to go for a run are coming back and I care a little bit about a bit more again. 

Everything goes out the window and I didn't enjoy anything, everything made me feel sad and guilty. I have to say I thought I was handling things quite well up to the funeral it was afterwards when actually it all starting sinking in.

There are no time frames, it's completly individual some people need or want to go back to work and try for some normality, for me normal didn't feel normal at all anymore and I found work really hard the first few times I'm still not great with it yet. 

Take as much time as you can or want and do not feel any pressure to be or feel a certain way.

Only you know what your brain and body needs at the moment but again no pressure I ate quite alot of rubbish and didn't move much for 4-5 weeks I just needed to hide and that's what I needed then.

Just do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. Hold friends and family close, they have helped so much. 

I just started having a very small plan each day to get me up and out, just like Monday clean the car. Tuesday tidy the wardrobe whilst I was off work. The first few weeks were very very hard and although things are just a bit better now I'm totally aware that this is something that will take a very long time to fully deal with and I expect many setbacks along the way. 

I'm here anytime you want to talk. Grief can be a scary and lonely place but talking helps alot. 

Take care and thinking of you for Thursday. 

Rosie xxx

Hi know this thread is slightly outdated now and I sincerely hope you're doing well.

I found this in my search for a similar story to my dads. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago with bowel cancer which had spread to his kidney. He had surgery to remove part of his bowel and half a kidney then had radiation therapy.  He seemed to be doing well and last May we went on a big family holiday to Bali to celebrate his recovery.  He still wasn't 100% and after returning from Bali, at a follow up appointment was told He had meds tumours but they couldn't treat them..Just treat the symptoms. At first his symptoms were constant trips to the loo and He went off alcohol...even non alcoholic versions of his favourite drinks. Around 3 months ago he collapsed at home in the middle of the night. Luckily inwas home that night and me and mum managed to keep him safe while the ambulance arrived. They did scans and said he has constipation and gave him fluids and laxatives and discharged him. He didn't get any better. Last month mum took him back and they said the same. Last week we took him again and they said his bowel was blocked. They lots of MDT  meetings but told us nothing more could be done and He has days maybe short weeks to live.

Now, we're all at home (my sister and I have moved back) just waiting and I don't know what to do with myself. He's barely eating or drinking but still cracking jokes. He's not in much pain(has  syringe driver) but is uncomfortable much of the time. He's only 64. I don't know what to expect next or how we will cope 

Hi,

its just horrendous isn’t it. I’m so sorry to hear your story and ultimately how similar it is to my dad. 

The worst is the waiting. Dad was really scared initially about dying but then seemed to turn a corner and wasn’t worried. 

We were told on a Tuesday, that nothing more could be done. He was put on steroids for three days to try and shrink blockage, but that didn’t work. They took him off all fluids and just left his syringe driver. He had a tube in so could eat anymore. He was allowed ice lollies which he really liked. Just meant we had to drain his tube a bit more. We virtually had a party in his hospital room on the Sunday. He was singing! On Tuesday he was moved to a hospice as mum was struggling and we wanted 24hr assistance. We were told it could be a few weeks.  He seemed ok. His old rugby friends came and they had a beer together ( that was emotional!) then lots of other visitors. As we were arriving early Thursday morning we were told he had been moved to another room, end of the corridor. The doctor said he’d suddenly changed. He didn’t wake up that day. He was asleep the whole day, calm and peaceful. At 11:30pm we noticed drastic changes in his breathing. The nurses came in, and he quietly took his last breaths. It’s still so surreal, but a relief for him. Even though he’d been ill for 6 months it’s still such a shock and still is. 

I’m  sorry if that’s too much info for you, but that’s how it was. 

I don’t regret not saying anything to him. We were there for him for those last 2 weeks and he knew it. Love kept him going and we know he went knowing we were all there with him. 

Look after yourself and each other.  

Thankyou for replying.

I feel so guilty everytime I go out of the house and just want to be next to him but he doesn't want fussing over. Today I am forcing myself to meet a friend for a coffee...if I don't leave the house me, mum and my sister will all kill one another. Everyone wants to help but no one knows how.

I'm sick of friends texting asking if I'm ok. I don't know how to reply. Of course I'm not ok so I'm ignoring everyone.

My dad is still at home.  He said he'd like to stay at home until the end but also said if we couldn't cope, he's not opposed to the hospice. We've got a hospital bed coming soon because he's not going to be able to get upstairs much longer. Like your dad, he's not on any fluids now,just the syringe driver though he is managing to eat little bits and sip at juice. The problem is, he throws it back up after a while because it can't go down to where it's supposed to be. 

My gran,his mum is 91 and lost her 1st son when he was 29...we told her yestersay that my dad her only child now,isn't going to get better. It didn't register at first but she understands. She's housebound but we are going to try and get her to my dad this afternoin(She lives across the road). 

I just feel so helpless. I hope I'm.there when he goes and that it's peaceful and calm and I can hold his hand but I'm not banking on that as it's just another thing to feel guilty about if I can't.

He's not talking much,he's never been a man of many words but I'm missing his advice. I need him to tell me what to do but he isn't. Just saying to suck it up and get on with life. He jokes that he wants creating onnthe BBQ in the back garden but aside from being cremated, we know nothing of what he wants for his funeral.

My sister is 13 weeks pregnant.  We've known since Easter but She had her 1st scan 2 days ago and showed my dad. Its the 2nd time in.my.life I've seen him cry (1st was when hisndad died). He wanted so much to be a grandad.  Inwas glingnthrough IVF to make that dream come through but I haven't caught yet and that kills me inside.

Hi,

How’s today been? Did your gran get over to see him?

my dad pretty much dictated his funeral. It made it a fun time and not morbid one. He was heavily involved with the theatre and ran a youth theatre for years and he asked them to sing at the funeral. They ended up recording a Les Mis song for him which was ridiculously emotional! He even personally asked his friends to carry the coffin! Have you asked your dad about songs or any details he might want? It makes it easier to sort knowing you’re fitting in some of his wishes.  Dad had over 250 at his ‘final curtain call’ ( we didn’t call it a funeral and wanted to keep the theatre theme!) it was a great celebration, although obviously really sad too.

Don’t feel guilty about wanting to get out.. I left dad to go and get my nails done! Mum and I nipped out to buy a sandwich and didn’t go back for ages as we got carried away shopping! On his last day we didn’t leave his side! You’ll know when not to leave him. 

Has your dad not got a tube? it’ll make him more comfortable if his stomach can be drained rather than being sick. 

You’ll get pregnant when all this stress is over I’m sure.

chin up and stay strong. He needs you as does your mum and sister. You all need each other. 

Em xx 

Today's been ok. I went back to my house (about 45 mins away) to make sure the cat was ok and met a friend for a coffee. 

My grans sister was with her quite a while andninwent over this afternoon to get her ready to come down but she refused saying she was too tired and she'll come tomorrow.  Today, that's ok as my dad has gone to bed this afternoon but she will say this every day and i worry that she's not going to see him. I think me and my brother in law are going to have to man handle her in a wheelchair and just push/carry her into the house! She hates leaving her house but she will regret not seeing him and blame me.

He had a tube for about 5 days in hospital but he was still sick with it in and he hated it so when it came out when he vomited, he chose not to have it put back in.

I don't know what he's planning for his funeral. Inknownhes thinking about it because today he asked Alexa to play 'whisper of angels'(while the nurses were inn the kitchen) and told me he thinks he wants this in church. Cue me crying as the nurses came in...then they cried! 

He keeps telling everyone about my sisters pregnancy too because hes so happy about it and every time he does we all cry. I should have been having my 12 week scan this week too but i miscarried so he won't even get to know when I finally do catch again! 

He's such a strong man but he's so weak know. The nurse said he will deteriorate very quickly and I can't bare to think about that. My mum seems to be coping a bit better today- she ate lunch and is cooking tea (won't let me help) so that's good. We've had less visitors today too which had made the day a bit easier. X

Hi,

I’m glad today was easier. I still cry everyday. Only a little, but enough. 

I’ve got a bit of dad’s ashes too. I give him a tap as I walk by! Lol. It’s still very surreal. 

I cried at school this week.. had a parent take his own life before half term and his 7 year old is in my class. Totally devastating for her. They haven’t told her the truth though, just that he’s died.  I’m grateful of the time I had with my dad and that I didn’t have to go through that!!

are you a teacher too??

em.