Hi, i've just come across your page because i've been struggling to find recent chats about having a parent with cancer. I feel the exact same way with my mum, he has secondary bowel cancer. i have no idea how long she has left, i don't know if her and my dad know and they just aren't telling, or if they don't know either, but i'm too scared to ask. I don't know what to think or what to do and i'm just so confused with the whole thing. I've come to dread anything to do with hospitals and the thought of the word hospice literally makes me want to throw up! i obviously have more positive days, and then more negative days where i can't stop thinking about it, but it never completely goes away. ugh 

I think some people like to know how long a person has left but speaking from a point of actually knowing I have to say it’s horrible. It’s so easy to get fixated on the time gone by or the time that’s left and it literally consumes everything you do. Right now I’m thinking April because that’s 6 months since diagnosed but all signs are pointing to it being very soon and my brain can’t process that it’s not going to be 6 months because cancer takes over everywhere and nobody can answer anything honestly about what is being caused by the cancer and what isn’t. I have to pretend that I am doing great because my stepmam is falling to pieces and they both seem to be depending on me to pick up the slack . I have to hold down a job and look after my own house and kids all the while trying to deal with the fact that my dad is dying and I also feel like “where do I go for help? Who do I turn to?” It is such a horrible all consuming illness that leaves questions unanswered. I’m sorry I don’t seem to be much help to you right now. I have a million things I want to say to him before he does go but then I don’t want to say them becasue it kind of makes it a reality that he is dying! Urgggghhhhh

Dont be sorry, the part where they told you feeding was optional made me sad.

Hi Ginger, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad having lung cancer and I know the pain you're going through. Last 2 days before my mum passed away, I kept asking the Dr and District Nurses "how long", not sure why really as their answers just sent me into floods of tears. I couldn't say the word goodbye, I just held mum's hand and said its ok mum, its ok, I'll see you again, All the family were around and I asked dad if he wanted some time just him and mum, and we all left, just to the kitchen, within 10 minutes, mum had gone. Although my mum had slipped into unconsciousness before she died, they say that hearing is the last sense to go, I wish I had told her more about how much I loved her but I know now that mum knew how much she meant to me, our life together didn't just consist of those last moments.

Sounds as though you're being so strong for everybody, that's very hard to do, hope you and your family can support each other. Also hope the nurses can/should help with your questions, ensure that your dad is as comfortable and pain-free and are sensitive to how you all are feeling.

I know it's an awful, heartbreaking time and I am so sorry, thinking of you.

Take care and come back to the forum if you need to ask anything, people posting have been through or are going through similar situations and will help if they can.

x

Hi Ginger,

Sorry to hear about your Dad.  It is a really difficult time - one of the hardest things you will go through.  Well done for reaching out on this forum, you are doing the right thing by talking about it.

My Dad died just last week after an eight month battle with re-lapsed lymphoma.  Unfortunately after being in remission at his last appointment in October he subsequently developed brain tumours and he came home from the hospital in mid-December.  He couldn't walk and stopped eating and drinking just before Christmas.

Although this is my first post on the forum, I visited many times whilst trying to cope with the tough six weeks before my Dad died.  I can only say to spend as much time with him as possible, tell him that you love him, and try to enjoy the time you have with him as difficult as I know that is.  Chances are that he can still hear you, so talk to him normally and listen to music etc. Though nothing can take away the pain of losing your Dad,  I draw great comfort now in knowing that he knew we were there with him and loved him at the end. Don't worry about 'ranting' (I don't think it qualifies as a rant anyway!), it's best to get your emotions out and deal with them as you go along.  Shout, scream and cry if it makes you feel better.

You can only try and take each day as it comes, and make the best of each of them.  Perhaps you could have a chat with the nurses and ask that they change the way they talk about your Dad?

Anyway, if you need to talk I and lots of other people too are here for you.  Hope that you are doing as well as you can be.