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I don’t want to lose my dad

Declan23
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I’m not normally one to post on or read forums, but currently my dad is in the hospital after being diagnosed with an aggressive form on cancer deep in his brain, and I don’t know how to cope with the fact I know he’s only got weeks left to live. On Halloween he was fine, we were watching films as a family, my dad, my mom and my 2 younger brothers, everything was normal, but 10 days later he’s in hospital, can’t stand up, can’t talk properly, I’m not sure if he even knows who we are anymore, in the space of just over a week my life has been flipped upside down and we haven’t even had a chance to prepare ourselves for it. He’s too weak to have chemo/radiotherapy, and even if he was strong enough, the tumour is too aggressive and deep in his brain to kill or remove it. I know I’ll have to come to terms with the fact we will lose him, but I don’t want to lose him, I’m not ready to lose him. He doesn’t deserve this to happen to him, nobody does. I’m trying to stay strong for my family as the eldest, but I’m not ready for him to go yet, and I just don’t know how to cope with this

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    Hey Declan23, I know exactly how you're feeling. My dad was...well I don't know whether it was lucky or unlucky enough to be diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in January for which we went through two rounds of chemo and surgery which came to an end August. His check up was a few weeks ago now post surgery but he caught pneumonia and ended up having scans which, we were soon told was bad news. His lymph nodes are infected and it's spread despite us thinking he was cancer free and we can plan for the future. His consultant turned around and said he'd be surprised if he made it a year post op which has given him 7 months. Since being told though he's rapidly going downhill and I don't even know if he'll make it to December. The hardest thing is as well I live 500 miles away in Scotland. Being a girl I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and see my kids when I eventually have them but he's not going to be here. I've been emailing every clinical trial unit hoping there's something out there but I've got to face the fact there isn't now and when there is - it'll be too late. I keep hoping this is all a horrible dream and I'm going to wake up soon. I'm too the eldest and I'm trying to hold it together for everyone else. It's hard.

  • Offline in reply to monkeybrains91

    I’m sorry to hear about your dad, I’ve never had to experience cancer to someone so close to me before, but it seems every post I’ve been reading is all the same, one day cancer just appeared in someone’s body and everything just changes forever. As the eldest son I haven’t really been the focus of his attention over the years (which doesn’t bother me, I’m glad he’s spent a lot of time with my brothers) but thinking back over the years, he did everything for me whenever I wanted, and I feel like I took it for granted. Now I know we’re going to lose him soon, I never realised just much I imagined he’d be there in my future, like you said I always imagined that if I ever got married or had kids, he’d be there. I thought I knew what it meant to hate something, but the way I feel about cancer now I’m experiencing it personally, I absolutely hate it. I just can’t get my head around how this has happened so quickly.

  • Offline in reply to Declan23

    hi declan

    im so sorry to hear about your dad. I'm going through something similar at the moment (dad was diagnosed in July with terminal lung cancer and has gone down hill the last couple of weeks) and it's crap. I'm the youngest of three and have three lovely boys myself. Like you I've been trying to be strong for my siblings and parents but god it's so hard sometimes. Some days I feel like I'm ready to break. But somewhere we find strength. Don't be afraid of reaching out...have you got anyone you can offload to or share your worries? Reach out here aswell even if it's just a rant.

     I wish I could make it better for you. I do think how your feeling is part of our journey...I think I'm back in denial now just to get through the days but reality is always beating away in the back of my brain. I'm sorry this has happened so quickly for you and your family....sending you hugs x

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