What to expect? My brother is dying and I don't know what to

Hi, I'm hoping someone can give me some idea what to expect. So, my brother, who's 58 was diagnosed two years ago with Follicular Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. He was told his condition was manageable until it he was symptomatic. He lives in Australia and has also had a basal cell carcinoma removed from his face three years ago, and a malignant melanoma lump removed from his ear last year.  In March of this year, he realised he was really sick and went to the hospital to be told he was in kidney failure because the Non-Hodgkins was now active and a mass in his abdomen was cutting off his urethra and not allowing the kidneys to drain into the bladder and then out of his body. He had stents put in to help his kidneys do their job and underwent six months of chemotherapy. Six weeks ago, he was told he was in remission. Two weeks ago, he went back to his doctor with a severe urinary tract infection caused by the stents. During investigations for this, they discovered a mass back in his abdomen. It is twisted around his internal organs. The doctors told him it was inoperable and since Chemo didn't work to kill off all the cells in his body, that chemo won't work. He is basically being told there is nothing else they can do. From his naval to his toes he is swollen with oedema - the doctors say it is urea because his body isn't dealing effectively with it and his kidneys are not doing their job. He's waiting on the news that he is now not cured at all, but terminal. He's asking them for a timeline. - how long he has left.  I am heartbroken. He lives in Australia and I live in Ireland. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone and what am I to expect going forward.  Please help.

  • Hello, I am so sorry to read your post about your brother. How upsetting for him to be doing so well only to have all your hopes dashed. It must be incredibly hard especially as he is so far away.  I have no experience of your brothers particular cancer but I absolutely can sympathise with a loved one dying relatively young of this dreadful disease. My husband, also 58, has a matter of months if we are very lucky. 

    Hopefully somebody else on this forum will be along to give you more specific information and you can always use the search options to find out more about any of your brothers symptoms or treatments.

     I do wish you well, and much courage. However much time you have left with your brother, once the dust has settled  and the rawness of this news has calmef, try and make each moment count.  I know that will be difficult given the distances involved but where there’s a will ....

    Take care and keep in touch 

    Ruth x

  • Hi Edel,

    My mother was diagnosed in August with advanced oesophageal cancer. She has gone downhill very quickly. I live in Australia and she lives in the UK (I emigrated 13 years ago). I came home to see her last month and she seemed OK, but she didn't eat properly and she lost weight just while I was there for three weeks. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

    She has now been told that the cancer has grown through the stent she had put into her oesophagus, and it has spread to her lymph nodes in her neck. She may not be able to eat any more and may have to be fed by tube. She started chemo last week but it has made her so ill she hasn't been able to drink let alone eat, so she's in hospital on an IV and they have suspended all chemo. Her heartbeat is too slow also.

    I guess I can't help in any other way than say I know how you feel. Being at the other side of the world makes you feel really helpless. All I want to do is go and hug my mum. It's so unfair. It has taught me one thing if nothing else, and that is to never ignore symptoms, no matter how trivial they seem. In June my mum's food kept coming back up and here we are four month's later and she's looking at not being here this time next year.

    It also taught me to forgive and forget. My mother and I had a difficult relationship for a time and we have built a lot of bridges. I feel that we made amends, but that still doesn't stop me wanting to be there right now.

  • Hi Edel,

    Im really sorry to hear about your brother. I’m Irish tooIt’s very hard to answer the question of what to expect as each person is unique but cancer deaths do seem  to have a lot in common . I really hope he has someone strong and loving around him who will help him through this . That’s what he needs most now just comforting presence of someone who loves him and isn’t afraid to show their sadness over this tragic situation . It’s a cruel nasty disease and I’m so sorry he and you are going through this . As for what to expect it could be a slow gradual decline over a period of months or things could happen very quickly at the end and it may not be at all peaceful. Either way from my very very limited experience doctors don’t easily say there is nothing more they can do . In my mums case this meant less than 3 months . She had been diagnosed 3 years previously . The worst part for me and us was that she suffered enormously in the last 10 days ,She had wonderful care in a wonderful hospice but it’s sometimes difficult to get on top of the pain , different metabolisms, toxicity etc  I had read a lot but never did I read how gruesome and painful a death from cancer can be . I mostly read. About the slow gradual decline and then a peaceful coma . I hope for your brother this is what he experiences. Mum died only 8 weeks ago so it’s rather raw. Information on the topic of how death can occur is rare . If you can spend time with him you will never regret it . I’m an expat in Africa but went back to live with my mum after she had the awful meeting where they said there is nothing more we can do .